


To Nirvana

by OurLadyGrem



Series: Banana Fish ✧ Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura [2]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bikers, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Consensual Sex, Drama, Drama & Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, First Love, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, French Kissing, Graphic Description, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Oral Sex, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Safe Sane and Consensual, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-02-10 09:47:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18657961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurLadyGrem/pseuds/OurLadyGrem
Summary: Something happened years ago that tore Ash and Eiji apart. Presently, Eiji works at an ordinary retail job somewhere in New York, and Ash Lynx is his boss who lives in an apartment above the store. Their work relationship is fragmented and strange. But it never used to be like this. When they first met, Ash Lynx was the cool and beautiful leader of a biker gang. Eiji was a sports major, struggling to make headway in a career in pole vaulting. They were from opposite worlds, but they were drawn to each other. Hopelessly. Relentlessly. An attraction so strong that bordered on soulmates.But not everyone agreed to their relationship, as jealous gang members brew tension within the group. What happened in the past that nearly destroyed everything? What will they do now to make up for lost time?This is a Banana Fish Biker Gang AU, with a happy ending. Explicit rating for some adult content~





	1. It Used To Be So Different

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you don't mind the odd British-isms if I slip up here and there. I've been to the JFK New York airport and that's about the extent of my personal experience there, haha! Other than that, please enjoy this work! If you liked it, please leave a kudos and a comment!

Eiji Okumura finishes filling up the vending machine right outside the convenience store he works at.

It’s a late evening. The ocean-coloured neon lights from the shop’s sign board lights up the empty pathway where it seems the crowd of customers has finally, after a long and busy day, thinned to no one at all. Not a soul walks by, leaving Eiji alone with the soft buzz of the neon lighting as his only company. The retail store is small and compacted, surrounded by many other stores lining up the city streets that make up New York. These buildings are thin in width, but high in height as the floors make up of apartments and offices atop the stores.

Though, as Eiji’s eyes aimlessly wanders to the blackened windows situating above his workplace, he can’t help but freeze in stature whenever he thinks of the man who is living there.

With a slow exhale, Eiji shakes out of his aimless thoughts and returns inside his work. His shift is almost over. Glancing at the wall-mounted clock, he presses his lips together in anticipation. He spent the entire day serving customers and stacking shelves, cleaning the floors and sorting out stock… but not for a moment did he manage to meet with the store’s owner. Eiji wonders if he’s upset or relieved about this. He can never tell for sure. Though as he retires to the counter and locks up for the end of his shift, Eiji knows exactly why his sluggishness doesn’t come from the day’s exhaustion, and instead, from an unannounced sense of disappointment…

Suddenly, a familiar creaking noise sounds from the far side of the room. Eiji’s hands stop and hover inside the cash drawer, unable to move any more. His eyes can barely find the courage to lift above the counter, as he knows exactly who he’ll be meeting a gaze with if he does. Yet somehow he manages. And once he does… there, standing within the beat-down door frame of the back door, leading directly to the staircase to the apartment above, is the emerald-eyed store owner that Eiji fears, and irrevocably loves.

Ash Lynx, a picture of a model. With blonde hair sweeping to the side and away from his rugged face, his hand holds it all back as he stares towards Eiji with that intrusive gaze that he’s never lost from his youth. Six years since they’ve met, and the boyish shape of Ash’s face at seventeen has grown, sharpened and broadened. Now at twenty-three, the soft shadow of a masculine stubble lines along his strong jawline, and the creases between his eyebrows has deepened. Even his long and lean frame has broadened, as his shoulders has grown bigger and his muscles accommodated. Though despite this growth, the way Ash looks at Eiji has that familiar sense of intensity that it always had. Only his eyes have become a little darker, as though he’s kept something within them for so long that the innocence of the earlier days has worn away over time.

Eiji feels his lips run dry. He’s become self-conscious of the way he’s grown in turn, as he has grown out of the image that Ash has come to know him by. Eiji’s hair has grown to a length long enough to sweep back into a small ponytail, but short enough to look like a ragged bun, while the wavy lengths of his parted fringe frames the square shape of his jaw. He’s matured out of his own youthful looks, not only by the length of his collarbone accentuating masculine features of his neck, or the broadening of his chest and his arms, but his once wide eyes has thinned by a margin, and the edges of his lips has deepened, as though his face has come to show sorrow on the surface. And yet somehow, Ash manages to still look older in years. Only by the way Eiji has never, in all the years he’s known him, lost the feeling of shattering attraction to Ash, like a child in awe.

Eiji holds their gaze for a moment longer than necessary, as if they acknowledge each other’s presence and then some, before turning back to the cash register to continue locking up. Meanwhile Ash flicks his eyes to the clock ticking on the wall, and falls against the door frame with his arms folded, immediately on the defensive.

Ash’s eyes lower as he asks, “Your shift almost over?”

“Yeah. Just locking everything up… you need the keys?”

“Hmm?” Ash looks distracted despite having initiated conversation.

“Do you want me to pass over the keys?”

“No. Just hook them up in their usual place. Please.”

Eiji glances at him once before finishing up to put the keys away. He acknowledges the tension between them, as it had forced Ash’s usual straight-forwardness to add an almost strained hint of politeness in his speech. Eiji doesn’t like how aware he is of how Ash consciously acts around him. It seems to imply that he is on edge because of Eiji’s presence. It highlights a clear distance between them. It doesn’t help that neither of them know how to shorten that distance, with so many walls built up to barricade what they are afraid of showing… and what they are afraid of seeing.

At times, Eiji feels at a loss by being there. Whenever Ash shows up in the store, Eiji becomes hyper-aware of his behaviour, whether he wants to be or not. Maturity has wrought the unwelcome habit of over-analysing little things that Ash does, leaving Eiji to interpret them all by himself, which either feeds his negative thoughts or his hopeful heart. Some days he can stand it, but other days, like tonight… it’s unbearable.

‘Why have you come down just as I’m leaving?’ Eiji thinks to himself dejectedly, ‘Why are you standing at the door like that? If you have something to say, tell me already.’

Ash looks bored with his head resting against the frame… or impatient, from the way his finger taps irregularly against his arm. Eiji can’t tell which. He’s exhausted from trying to figure him out. With a quiet sigh, Eiji finishes up everything he needs to and goes to pick up his bag from a locker behind the counter.

“Good work today.” Ash suddenly calls to him, just as Eiji had flung the strap of his bag over his shoulder, “The place looks tidy. Thanks… for your hard work.”

“It’s no problem.” Eiji assures him with the slightest smile, resilient to quieten every bit of happiness he feels from that compliment, “I just do my fair share of the work. The other staff do just as much as I do to keep this place clean.”

“Hmm.”

The shrug of Ash’s shoulders and his drifting gaze gives off the impression that he isn’t interested in bringing up anyone else at that moment. Again, the hopelessly optimistic splinter of Eiji’s heart desperately wants to acknowledge how happy this makes him, until almost immediately, like the turn of a tide, Eiji repels at how quickly he’ll find himself clinging on. It’s almost pathetic the way he’ll emotionally leap at this glimmer of recognition. He dislikes this part of himself that feels utterly vulnerable in Ash’s hands. Even knowing this, Eiji finds himself not wanting the conversation to die just yet. He wants to keep it going. He needs to think of something to say, anything at all, just to the fill the air, just as an excuse to keep talking…

When Ash suddenly calls out again, “You take the subway home, right? It gets dangerous at night.”

“I’ll be alright. I’ve lived in New York long enough to know what it’s like.”

“You have, huh.” Ash’s voice softens with the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. “How many years has it been since you moved here from Japan?”

Eiji has to piece his thoughts together first before coming up with an answer, “Probably about ten years now.”

“And how long ago has it been since we first met?”

Eiji can answer that almost immediately. “Six years.”

“Six years? Really, that long?”

“Yes. You were seventeen. I was nineteen. You didn’t believe me when I told you.”

“How could I when you looked like you were still in high school.” Ash grins crookedly. Eiji can always recognise that smile from the days of their youth whenever Ash would tease him, although his face has since broadened with new lines forming around his magnificent smile, and that same childish grin has matured to make him look strikingly more handsome. Eiji could almost forgive him for mocking him.

“We’ve both grown since then.” Eiji defends himself anyway.

“We have. And look at you now.”

“Huh?”

“Now you look like you’ve graduated.”

Eiji laughs, despite himself. Not a large laugh, or the kind of laugh that Ash would recognise from his memories, but a quiet and reserved breathy laugh as his eyes cascade to the ground. It’s like a laugh of defeat. Ash has defeated him. He smiles sorrowfully; a smile that appears slightly toothy and strained at the corners of his mouth. Then he turns back to Ash with his eyebrows upturned, looks him up and down one more time, and softly calls,

“I’ll see you later.”

Ash’s grin quickly evaporates. Then as if on cue, he moves away from the door frame. But he steps back, with his hand touching lightly upon the door handle. Ash hesitates there for a moment, while his lingering gaze remains as intense as it has always been on Eiji, as if he’ll disappear in a cloud of smoke at any second. There's an inkling of something sounding in his eyes, but Eiji found them too impenetrable to read, but even so, Ash looked as though he had something to say without his mouth ever moving. Until finally, wordlessly, Ash removes his hand from the handle without pulling it with him, before retreating down the thin corridor that leads to his staircase. The door is left carelessly open.

And Eiji’s heart aches, so fiercely that his expression melts into a painful wince. He feels tired just by staring at this door. It prompts so many unwanted feelings, so many familiar, hurtful and wonderful memories, that it feels as if there’s a door-shaped scar on his heart. It makes him feel so vulnerable when he remembers the words of the other store staff, telling him how they’ve never seen that door open as Ash always makes sure that door is secured shut. It makes him catch his breath, with a tiny gasp escaping, as he realises that every evening shift he has worked alone, Eiji will notice that door cracked open with enough room to walk through. Without fail, Eiji notices.

That crack gets bigger every time that Eiji chooses to ignore it. Until this particular night, when it’s been left completely and casually abandoned as a gaping entrance. Eiji has never felt more confronted by anything in his life than this open door. Its existence, its own function, warns of so many implications which Eiji dare not entertain. To even go near it will mean too much, and Eiji can’t bring himself to take the leap…

Just then, memories of his career in pole jumping comes to mind, bringing to light direct parallels to this situation. Countless injuries and setbacks stack up one after the other, reminding him of the painful pursuit of everything he’s ever wanted being just out of his reach, until that jaggedly stacked tower of all his failures finally collapses into a wreckage of despair. Eiji makes his final decision in the fallout. Without turning back, Eiji walks out of the store, and goes towards the subway.

Even so, persistent are his unrelenting feelings… as all the way home, Eiji reminisces about those earlier days he’d spent with the man that he’d eventually come to work for. Ash Lynx; his lover, his destroyer.

* * *

 

__Six years ago…_ _

 

At nineteen years old, Eiji Okumura was enamoured with New York City. The eccentricity, the busy atmosphere, the noisy environment… there wasn’t much about the place that he could personally fault. Though his English wasn’t entirely up to par, he enjoyed whatever he could about the culture he’d been living in for all of around four years at that point. New experiences were a welcome delight that he’d take full advantage of, despite the challenges he’d face, and the biggest test at that moment was his college program in pole vaulting. He’d been underestimated for his size and stature, but Eiji was the type to prove to anyone who doubted that he could overcome expectations with commitment. Even if lately his performance had been wavering slightly.

Even so, a rocky start to his career was still not enough to deter him away from the attraction of New York. He loved America. And that love was the fuel that had driven his bravery to wander the city streets alone at late hours of the evening. Something about the neon lights bleeding into the darkness of the night seemed so aesthetically pleasing and exciting. Wandering through the quieter parts of the city, and exploring the niche areas that most tourists would avoid, filled Eiji with a strange sense of peace and overwhelming tranquillity, like how an outsider would feel on the edge of merging with a whole new world.

It was on one of those wayward nights that Eiji had been drawn in by the sound of engines in the distance. They coaxed him towards a wide crossroads, and lead him into an opening between a congestion of apartments. The area was concentrated with a crowd of motorcyclists in the centre, surrounded by garages from all sides, with messy garbage cans sat beneath telephone poles, whilst the wires connecting between them appeared tangled and so erratic that it made them look like a nest above everyone’s heads. The headlights from the bikes created an unearthly luminescent carpet at their feet, whilst the few speckled floodlights from the garages cascaded upon their figures like spotlights. It was then that Eiji noticed a majority of this crowd were wearing the same style of jackets in the same seaweed-green colour.

‘Looks like a motorcycle gang’. Eiji confirmed to himself, before the tug of a grin threatened to curl up a corners of his mouth, ‘They look cool.’

If he were to walk by, his ordinary clothes would definitely make him stand out. Even so, his feet had already begun to move before his mind could process the severity of his decision. Either way, he went ahead. So confident in his steps that he caught their attention much quicker than he’d anticipated.

“Who’s the kid? Is this anyone’s little brother?” One guy called out to the others as Eiji approached. It was only then that Eiji finally realised he hadn’t thought this out thoroughly at all, especially considering his next to nothing knowledge about bikes. All he could think of was to correct the guy who’d called out, as he seemed friendly enough with an abundance of welcoming energy, despite his intimidating purple-dyed hair styled up into a mohawk.

“I’m nineteen.” Eiji quipped.

“No way. Show us your ID.”

“Don’t have one. I’m telling the truth though.”

“Guess I’ll take your word for it.” The guy laughed, and the arch of his eyebrows revealed a piercing in the corner, gleaning just beneath his sunglasses.

Eiji spoke with the man for a while after that, until the stranger eventually introduced himself as Shorter Wong. They talked about bikes, though it was more of a short lesson as Eiji could barely keep up with the conversation, until they moved on to other topics of shifting interest. They talked about families as Shorter introduced other gang members like his sister Nadia Wong, and friends Sing Soo-Ling with his brother Lao Yen-Thai. Although they watched them from a safe distance, those members mostly kept to themselves during the conversation. Until eventually, Shorter brought up one more important person in the mix of the crowd,

“Our leader should be around here somewhere. You should meet him. It’d be interesting to see how you two get on.”

“Trying to recruit someone who barely knows a thing about bikes doesn’t seem like the best idea.” Eiji said playfully, only half-serious. Shorter replied with a smirk and flicked his eyes to the side.

“We’ll have to see what Ash thinks.”

Eiji had only turned over his shoulder to suddenly find himself locking eyes with the leader of the bike gang.

The first thing Eiji noticed about Ash was that, funnily enough, he was the only one who wrapped their biker jacket around their hips. And yet it was subtle little differences like those that had an enormous impact on Eiji’s first impression of him. Tiny details such as the plain choice of dress sense - his loose white shirt as an example - suddenly made it the opposite of average on someone as noticeably good-looking as Ash. Eiji could’ve listed right away all the immediate aspects of Ash that made him handsome, like the attractive style of his bright-blonde hair that fell forward into his face, the smooth curve of his face shape that accentuated his sharp jawline, the fierce look in his eyes that almost made him look irresistible and paradoxically unapproachable… he was undeniably handsome in a traditional sense. But everything about him that had set him apart from the rest of the crowd is what left a lingering after-taste on Eiji’s tongue.

Already, he could tell there was an aura of authority all around their leader, as though the surrounding hum of engines had quietened in the halo of his presence. And as the silent wind lifted the blonde strands of hair from his face, Ash’s lingering gaze had cemented his intrigue into the territory of beckoning. Eiji felt his face flush. Never had he caught someone’s interest in such a way. It was a warm mix of embarrassing and exciting.

Shorter helped him approach the leader as naturally as possible, though Ash had never once dropped his eyes. There was even a hint of smile on his lips, though not so obvious, still gentle enough to soften his intimidating features.

“Your name?”

“Eiji. Okumura.”

“Japanese? Cool.” Ash finally allowed his gaze to descend, though now his smile was prominent, which only emphasised how genuine he was being. Eiji liked him immediately.

“Thanks! It’s nice to meet you!”

Eiji habitually bowed, which made his accent more noticeable. Ash shot him a half-smile as he leant back on his bike seat with his hands leisurely burrowed in his pockets, “Eiji Okumura. Walking around the city late at night. What’s a polite Japanese kid like you doing here?”

Shorter interjected, “He’s not a kid, Ash. Eiji’s nineteen, he says.”

“Nineteen?” Ash looked him up and down for a moment, silently studying him with intrusive glances that made Eiji sweat a little, and finally cocked an eyebrow, “…ID?”

“C’mon guys, I don’t have one!”

Despite feeling a little flustered, Eiji laughed cutely, along with Shorter who effortlessly made the atmosphere so much lighter from his infectious cheery personality. Ash came across like some beautiful authoritative apparition that seemed far too removed from the reality of a bike gang. In Eiji’s mind, it didn’t seem like their worlds should have clashed at all. But even then, something so otherworldly would have only attracted Eiji’s attention all the more. His curiosity was too great to give up the chance. Eiji had already captured more than a few glances of Ash, simply for the sake of looking at him. Like an art piece, something about the boy ignited an interest in him that came from an uncharted place he couldn’t explain. Intoxicated by the excitement of him, Eiji persisted to get to know him and asked how old he was.

“Seventeen. Got my bike permit to show you if you don’t believe me.”

“No. I believe you.” Somehow, he did. Ash still had boyish features that made his face just that little bit youthful, and Eiji had been around enough Americans by now to get used to how westerners seemed to age. The only thing that betrayed his judgement is the look in Ash’s eyes that had kept himself at a distance. There was a mysterious air that hid away what seemed to be a bottomless pit of worldly secrets. For a seventeen year old, there was a way he carried himself like he was wise beyond his years. Not quite arrogance, but a quiet and humbling intelligence, almost monk-like. Eiji found it calming to be around.

And it only became more obvious the more that Eiji spoke with him. They talked for hours on that bike of his, with Shorter hovering in and out of conversation as he bounced around like a social butterfly. But Eiji stayed on that bike seat with Ash by his side. How natural the conversation flowed, from one subject to the next, each with something they could talk about and comment on, with a funny and clever remark on the side, and playful teasing peppered in every now and again… they’d even bordered on the line of flirtation, which Eiji was completely oblivious to. Ash smiled widely at his refreshing naivety, but never mocked him for it. He found Eiji more endearing because of it.

Before they both knew it, the early morning approached and the crowd began to disperse. It’d begin with one loud engine announcing its departure, before an entire chorus of revving engines sped from the area and split ways down the crossroads. Ash rose his hand to every single person who left, acknowledging them with a fleeting smile before watching them leave, until a few lingering strays were left in the spacious opening. The emptiness emphasised just how large the bike gang actually was. Eiji was beginning to understand, and gradually respect, Ash’s ranking among them all. He was their fierce and beautiful leader. Eiji immediately admired that.

Ash asked him, “You live far from here?”

“Oh, me? Well, I guess…” Eiji paused, before his tone lowered, “Actually, it’s kinda far. I can take the subway from here, but where I live is a little out of the way…”

Ash noticed immediately how Eiji fidgeted with his fingers, as if he was holding back from what he really wanted to say. And as he followed where Eiji was looking, his eyes were met to the empty back seat of Ash’s bike. Eiji quickly turned away, shy and embarrassed, knowing then that Ash would figure him out. Eiji was just too easy to read.

“Y’know it’s not going to be a smooth ride if I’m the one that takes you home, Eiji.”

“...what do you mean?”

“I mean I ride fast. Very fast. It’s dangerous for someone who’s never been on a bike before. It’d scare you.”

“I won’t be scared!”

Eiji’s sudden protest caught Ash off guard. He stared at Eiji, noticing how his hands had clenched into fists at his sides, with his eyes cast to the ground and his face flushed with colour. Ash hadn’t expected this kind of raw determination from a guy who seemed… honestly at first glance, like he belonged in a classroom. His appearance was as far from a biker than anyone could’ve imagined. And yet, just by fearlessly approaching the group, Eiji had already proven there had to be an underrated courageous side to him. Whether it had been a careless decision or because of his naive personality, Ash just couldn’t peg him for a fool.

Even so, Ash dismissively flipped his leg over the seat of his bike and set his hands on the handlebars.

“Can I come by again?” Eiji called out in earnest, on the edge of desperate.

Ash smiled handsomely, with the peek of a fang in the corner of his mouth, as he replied, “Yeah. I was going to ask you to anyway.”

“You were?”

Ash quietly secured his helmet over his head, but not in a dismissive manner. Ash chose silence as the best answer, as if words alone could never carry the weight of what he meant behind them.

Instead, he kicked off the brakes of his bike, passed Eiji a piercingly intense look through the visor of his helmet, and told him softly, “Take care on your way home. Eiji Okumura.”

The engine of his bike roared as Ash suddenly sped away from him. Eiji then stumbled out of the opening and ran to the sidewalk, watching the crimson brake lights on the back of Ash’s bike fade away in the distance, alongside the screeching sounds of his tyres ripping across the tarmac. Ash had bled right into the darkness, blotted out by the ceremony of neon lights that lit up the famous streets of New York.

Eiji loved America for moments like those.


	2. It Used To Be So Promising

Eiji Okumura flew out of his college dorm as soon as the evening came.

It’d been a couple of weeks after he’d met Ash for the first time. But it had made so much of an impact on Eiji, that on days where he didn’t have college commitments the following morning, Eiji would head straight for the place where all the bikers would meet. He’d find himself hurriedly pacing down the sidewalk, rushing towards the earliest subway line, and if at any point of his journey he’d be forced to stop and wait, Eiji’s foot would impatiently tap on the ground. ‘If only I had a bike… I’d get there so much faster’, Eiji thought amusedly. Then he’d smile to himself whenever the thought of Ash and his gang came to him… and he’d do it more often than he realised.

Soon enough, Eiji rounded the corner of the crossroads that’d lead to their usual gathering point, and he’d be met by the familiar chorus of engines fluttering beneath the garage spotlights. The scenery looked just as ethereal as the first time he’d seen them. And now that he felt at ease weaving through the mass of people, there was a sense of ecstasy from having braved their territory. Although he still drew a lot of attention from other gang members, somewhere in the middle, Shorter would be there to greet him whole-heartedly. That charismatic soul with an edge of loyalty always seemed to draw a crowd… but nothing came close to the overbearing omniscient presence that Ash possessed so strongly.

“Eiji, come over here!” Shorter called to him. Eiji waved back, but withdrew his hand in a momentary delay.

Ash Lynx, who’d sat on his bike seat just a little behind Shorter’s figure, claimed Eiji’s attention entirely. Whilst his body language appeared at ease as he rested against his bike, it was his eyes that betrayed him. Ash looked at Eiji with an intense gaze, completely absorbed in the image of him. Ash would do this so frequently that Eiji had to wonder if this kind of gaze was reserved only for him. So he observed the way that Ash would look to his members, but instead, noticed how he was forthright in his speech and blunt in his delivery. True traits of a leader; outspoken and frank, yet with a hint of warmth and sincerity. For as direct as his words came across, Ash truly cared for his gang. He enthused over their bikes, and furthermore, their personal lives. He was the head of the community, and he earned their respect.

Eiji admired him. He looked up to their leader so much, regardless of the short time he’d known him. So when Ash acknowledged Eiji with that fierce gaze he’d come to know so well, and beckoned him with nothing more than a smile that implied he’d been waiting for him… a rush of endorphins lit up like fireworks in his chest. Eiji beamed. A shiver wrecked his spine. He nearly leapt off his heels to hurry to Ash’s side.

“Took your sweet time to get here.” Ash lightly teased, and hooked his arm around Eiji’s shoulders.

Eiji let out a laugh - bashful at first before letting his guard down - as he was pulled forward with his head a short distance away from Ash’s chest. Eiji’s face flushed crimson. But he couldn’t deny how much fun this was. The elation of being accepted so openly and as ardently as this was too much to describe. Then Eiji peeked up at Ash smiling down at him. It was definitely too much.

Shorter leant over to them then, “He’s later than usual ‘cause Eiji’s been practising his pole dancing skills.”

“Pole dancing? Can I see that?” Ash stared at Eiji, completely serious.

“Pole __vaulting__ , not pole dancing… sorry to disappoint.” Eiji corrected, feeling a little more shy than he felt he should’ve about that, and came to suddenly feel more conscious of himself in front of Ash. Eiji turned to him directly then, “I’ve been staying longer on campus to try and improve my stamina. It’s coming up to the new term and I haven’t made much progress in setting personal records, so I’m having to commit more hours into my program… it just means I won’t be able to come here earlier than I’d like to.”

With a shrug, Eiji tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but it bothered him more than he wanted it to. It was so much fun to be with Ash and Shorter. He liked their community, this environment, even the hum of revving engines that had become background noise at this point. Ash squared his eyes, though his composure was as cool as ever as he rested against his handlebars. Then he observed aloud,

“Pole vaulting is important to you.”

“Yeah, it is… I moved to the States to pursue it professionally, and I know I have potential to do well… I just worry if I’ve reached my limit. I find myself asking… am I not going to get any better than this? Have I really got nothing left to give? That’s why I’m putting in the extra hours, because I don’t think I’m ready to give it up yet.”

Ash hesitated for an answer then. Eiji could see it in the way he had lowered his shoulders, as if Ash’s defences had shattered just a little. Ash had emphasised with him in his quiet way. Eiji appreciated the thought, at least. It’s not like he meant to be so honest about his career struggle at the time, but there was something between them that allowed Eiji to open up as much as he did. He didn’t feel so suppressed by the pressure of keeping up appearances - not to Ash. He accepted him wholly. Eiji felt comforted… and so grateful.

The moment Ash took a short breath to say something, he was suddenly interrupted by a gang member approaching from the rear.

“Hey Ash.”

“Hm?” His attractive, heavy-lidded gaze turned them.

“We got a call. The other riders are just on their way. You ready to ride out?”

“Yeah yeah.”

Eiji immediately looked dejected, “Oh… is it that time already?”

There was no way Eiji could ever hide how he truly felt. His expressions could be read too clearly - ever the pure and honest kid he was raised to be - Ash liked him all the more for it. Then Ash shifted on his bike so his blonde hair fell forward over his face, while the muscle on his arms were accentuated beneath the floodlights as he rested them across the handlebars. A picture of rebel masculinity with the glean of a silver necklace straining beneath the loose shirt he wore, and he spoke in his husky voice,

“You should go home, Eiji. Rest up for practise tomorrow.”

Eiji narrowed his gaze. For a few seconds, it was as if they’d entered a silent stand-off before Eiji protested,

“I don’t have to go just yet.”

“No, you don’t have to. You can stay here and watch us leave if you want.”

“That’s not what I mean. You know that.” Eiji spoke quietly as if his feelings were hurt. His voice had softened then, with his eyebrows upturned and his dark eyes glistening, “…won’t you consider it?”

“Consider what?” Ash’s tone matched in quiet gentleness, as if Eiji brought out this side of him.

“The same thing I asked last time. And the time before that. The same thing I’ve asked for since we first met.”

“I don’t remember you asking me for anything that night. Other than my name.”

“Let me ride with you.” Eiji finally proclaimed, no longer beating around the bush, “I want to ride on your back seat.”

Ash was silent. He stared with wordless intrigue. Eiji had definitely captured his interest… long ago, in fact.

It was then that Shorter interjected, “Eiji, c’mon. I told you this before. Ash has a rule against playing favourites. Every member has to take a turn to ride with him. Even the girls have been waiting, for months at a time in some cases.”

“I’m not a member though, am I? So what do I have to lose just by asking?” Eiji dared to be optimistic as he approached Ash with a puppy-like look in his eyes, and an impish smile filled to the brim with hopeful desperation, “Won’t you let me ride with you? Please, Ash?”

Unbeknownst to Eiji, in that instance, Ash submitted to a temporary insanity that ignited in his chest, before it was extinguished by what little reason he could muster. Eiji lit so many fires within him from the very start, that the surge of emotions was too grand to be recognised as anything higher than passionate intrigue.

“So you’re really not scared, huh?” Ash murmured, as his hair fell forward to cast a shadow over his contemplative expression. After that, Ash’s intensive eyes narrowed as he sat back on his seat. He propped himself up by an arm, and told Eiji with a tilt of his head and a small, handsome smirk on his lips, “Beat your personal best score for the pole vault. Then I’ll give you a ride home.”

“What, wait… seriously? I mean… are you serious?” Eiji spat, completely flustered.

Shorter looked doubtful, “You’ll have to dedicate more hours to practise, which means you’ll have less time to get here…”

“That’s alright. If you said you will, then I have to do it! I’ll definitely do it!” Eiji energetically promised. And just as it was said, Eiji wasted no more time. He spontaneously turned on his heels to run out the area, and headed straight for the crossroads. But before he disappeared, Eiji swung over his shoulder to proudly shout out, “I’m going to ride with you, Ash! I’ll be back soon! Please wait for me!”

Shorter and Ash watched after him, wide-eyed and completely bewildered in their own rights, until Eiji completely escaped down the streets and left them in the dust. There was a momentary silence between them as they both processed exactly what just happened, until Shorter peered over to Ash with his cheeky grin,

“He seems serious about this, but who knows if he’ll actually do it.”

“Yeah. I wonder about that.” Ash smiled in return. He looked as if he was in a dreamlike daze as he stared into the empty abyss where Eiji once was, and then softly muttered, “Though… I hope he does.”

* * *

 

Time stretched on as Eiji made good on his promise. He didn’t wander the evenings through the city streets like he used to. He never made detours long into the night to visit Ash or any of his gang. He spent the days dedicated to improving his skills, and working towards bettering his ability. The sports stadium belonging to his college campus was where he practically lived for that time, regardless of any other activity that had been scheduled for the track and field. Eiji would be there without fail, greeting the other athletes, and getting on with his mission.

But day after day… time after time… Eiji jumped with all the strength and ferocity he could summon from his core, but no matter how hard he tried, after all the attempts he made, his scores just stagnated. It was unbearably trifling.

His practise became an almost frivolous routine at some point. At the start of his day, Eiji would adjust the crossbar to his personal best record, and proceed with the same tedious results over and over again; he’d scrape the edge of the bar, then bring it down with him, and smack lifelessly on to the safety mat below. It felt like a spear that horridly pierced through his chest every time he’d collapse to the ground. It just seemed as though there was a set height that Eiji could not reach. It was a taunting level of height, which looked so tantalisingly close but so misleadingly far away. And every day, Eiji would either move closer to his goal, before losing his streak and worsen after every jump.

There was never any real proof of progress. Instead, only a roller-coaster of of failed attempts.

One day, he woke up and decided to avoid the stadium altogether. Eiji just could not find the will to leave his bed. It was all starting to get a little too much. There was a lot riding on his shoulders - from disappointing Ash and Shorter, to staring the reality of his future in the face. If he couldn’t make one breakthrough at some point soon, then he wondered… ‘what was all the point of this? Should I just… go back to Japan?’

The thought of all this time being wasted angered him. So much so, that the surge of spitefulness he felt at himself was enough motivation to at least try a couple more times that day. If he could jump at least two or three more times, at least he could say he tried. Eiji threw his athletic gear on and marched towards the stadium. The day was almost drawing to a close, as the sun was sitting on the edge of horizon, bleeding into an array of fiery colours in the sky. Eiji basked in the cooling air as he stepped across the tracks. The pole vault situated on the far right, just beside the football field. Luckily, the stadium was empty, and completely devoid of souls. Perfect - no distractions.

Again, Eiji began his routine. By adjusting the crossbar to his personal best record, he whispered a mantra like a prayer, ‘I will overcome this… I will overcome’. Then he picked up his pole with a slight stutter… it felt like a weight.

And suddenly, Eiji was halted. The sound in the distance… it was hauntingly familiar. It was the background noise he’d almost forgotten about. The hum of an engine.

Through the chain-link fence to the rear of the stadium, Eiji peered through it to spot a figure lingering in the distance. Shimmering in the sunset, with his blonde hair seemingly shining in the warm glow, Ash sat motionlessly on his bike, expressionless, parked on the road that’d stretched outside of the field with its nose directed towards the pole vault. Like a lone spectator. His bare skin brilliantly glowed in the sun rays.

“Ash.” Eiji’s solemn whisper was lost by the wind, which flicked around their hair and loose clothes in a gentle frenzy. Eiji’s grip around the vault tightened.

How much time had passed since he last saw Ash? Eiji wasn’t sure any more. All those lengthy days had somehow moulded together into one long stretch of time, until the concept of days became too distorted to make sense. And yet Eiji came to understand something fiercely - in those days of boundless struggles, as he forced down his tears of frustration in the harshest hours, Eiji had managed to swallow his grief… up until that moment. Until he saw Ash’s face once again. Only then had Eiji found himself quickly on the edge of collapsing.

The pole vault was the only thing standing between meeting with Ash once more. Suddenly, the height of it seemed unconquerable. Eiji lost his balance. ‘Was it always that high up?’

Even so, he found himself running. Impulsively, he ran without control. He ran without thinking. He ran without stopping. He ran towards the target and leapt as though the ground beneath his feet bounced with him. But Eiji was too messy. He was no where clear of the bar, as his feet kicked it aside and followed after him to the ground.

“Aghh!” Eiji groaned, completely embarrassed. Ash had riled him up too much. He needed to get it together. Ash was watching. Eiji had to confirm this again for sanity’s sake - he shot the boy a look, and flushed with colour at the sight. Ash was definitely still there, adorn his bike with his arm laid across the wind deflector, and his gaze ever present and unwavering towards Eiji.

It took a few moments before Eiji could recoil his steps and try the jump again. He needed to gather his strength and his composure. Funny, he found, that the bleachers could have been packed full of an army of strangers, but nothing would’ve come close to the impact of Ash’s audience.

Eiji ran again. Jumped. And failed. Though he was better than the first time, which Eiji was pleased about. His confidence was a little restored. And again, Eiji acknowledged how Ash remained cemented by his side. Somehow, this started a warmth in the depths of Eiji’s chest. Which only grew hotter right after the third failed attempt. Then after the fourth. Then after the fifth. Then after every time Eiji would land in a hopeless heap on to the safety mat, he stumbled to his feet to find Ash still visible in the background. Unmoving. Unyielding.

‘Why?’ Eiji found himself asking, as his emotions were getting the better of him. ‘Haven’t I already proven that I can’t do this? After all this time, after you’ve come to see me… after I’ve humiliated myself in front of you again and again… how are you still here?’

Like a cosmic answer, Ash hadn’t moved an inch. Gusts of wind carried locks of his hair over his face, and yet his expression remained just as resolute, and resoundingly beautiful. That warmth from before, growing inside of Eiji’s heart, seemed to burn this image of him forever into a memory. It was breathtaking. Pure beauty strikes from the scorching soul, dug up from moments like this. Eiji never felt more drawn to any other spirit than the boy unflinching behind the chain-link fence.

It was around the seventh or eighth time that Eiji finally cleared the crossbar.

He stopped taking count at some point. He hadn’t even realised he’d succeeded at first. It was habitual to just search the mat for the bar he’d knocked off and try again. Until this time, his hands could find nothing to grasp, and Eiji finally figured out to look above him. There, lightly ricocheting in place, was the untouched crossbar that he’d finally conquered. It looked so easy now from the other side. Eiji could barely find air to breathe a gasp.

Excitement and anger and happiness and raw and ugly and beautiful feelings overcame him all at once. Eiji punched the air and shouted a war cry of victory. He felt like he could fly, and he did. He flew higher than he ever thought he could. Waves of pure adrenaline ignited every molecule of his being. The pressure finally lifted, and released a wild array of emotions that’d been pushed back and ignored all this time. Hot tears streaked down his face. All doubts and insecurities that seemed so boundless before were lost in the dusk. It was the moment of a true breakthrough. A transformation was set within. Eiji could continue another day knowing this was the right path.

He hadn’t made it alone. Turning on his side, Eiji sat like a rag-doll in the middle of the mat with his legs either side of him. He desperately wanted to share a smile with Ash, knowing that he’d contributed to this victory. But when Eiji’s eyes searched for him, the horizon beyond that chain-link fence was emptied of life. And only the distant blare of a revving engine could be heard fading into silence.

Eiji wondered, then, if it was normal to feel as though Ash was still there with him, in some stretch of a spiritual sense, even when they were far apart.


	3. It Used To Be So Exciting

Eiji arrived a day later holding up a sheet of paper, with bold text at the top confirming his personal best pole vault being officially recorded. It was signed ahead by his coach, and time-stamped to reveal that he had jumped at that height a further three times since the first.

Ash, Shorter, and a number of other crew members stared wide-eyed at the information. But no one said a thing until Eiji excitedly withdrew the paper to once again proclaim his request,

“Now will you let me ride on your back seat, Ash?”

Shorter spluttered in disbelief while Ash nearly toppled from his bike in stitches. He laughed like a school-boy as he clutched his side with one hand, and tried to muffle the sound with the other hand round his mouth. Though it was funny that, somehow, Ash still managed to look cool while scrunching his eyes like that, Eiji figured it must be the illusion of his wide smile. It was a beautiful treasure.

“Seriously!” Shorter cocked an eyebrow as his hands placed on his sides, “I was beginning to wonder if you gave up by now and we’d never see you again, but you damn well proved us wrong. I’m genuinely impressed, Eiji.”

“Yeah… it took a few tries, but I got there,” he said modestly.

Ash hadn’t yet lost his smile. He looked like he was having so much fun. Even as Ash attempted to regain his composure, a smirk tugged at his lips, like he just couldn’t let go of the laughter. Then, as he turned over his shoulder to scan around his members, his eyes fixed over their hands in search for something. Until finally, he rested on a boy almost half his height, and beckoned him,

“Sing Soo-Ling. Your helmet… can I borrow it for tonight?”

The boy called Sing wore his jacket loosely over his shoulders, with only one arm buried through the sleeve, and the other hooked over a small silver helmet. He looked hesitant at first, as his expression gave off the impression that he didn’t trust anyone he didn’t know too easily. Completely on his guard, Sing took careful steps towards his leader, and warily passed over the helmet as if it was a highly controversial trade.

“Don’t lose it.” Sing cautioned, before returning to the sidelines and blending once again into the crowds.

Sing’s brief and hostile appearance made Eiji wonder if a gang as large as this had factions from within it. From first glance, it looked as though the whole group got along with an unspoken loyalty to one another, but as Eiji had got to know only a few of Ash’s members and received many mixed signals, Eiji didn’t think they were all as tight-knit as he once believed.

That thought was immediately pushed to the back of his mind as soon as Ash had thrown the helmet in Eiji’s direction. Clumsily, he caught it with a yelp. Then, Eiji caught himself in the gaze of Ash’s rich and sage-coloured eyes, half-lidded as they were, as they narrowed and softened in accordance to the gentleness of his smile.

“Alright then. Let’s go for that ride. You’ve earned it.” Ash’s voice was low, like a murmur, and echoed into Eiji’s heart.

The world appeared to immediately light up then. Eiji’s heart was going a mile a minute, and he nearly forgot how to breathe. So much air had stuck in his throat from a gasp, it almost felt as if he’d choke on the happiness that bubbled up from inside.

But the mood had inadvertently darkened in contrast. Erratic whispers echoed around certain areas of the group, like gushing winds through a forest.

“Did I hear that right?”

“That new kid is riding with Ash?”

“Seriously?”

“Is he even a member?”

“Nah, he’s just some total stranger!”

“What the hell?”

“Ash!” Suddenly, a member from the crowd called out from amongst the chattering. Yut-Lung Lee, with his long raven hair tied up elegantly in a crimson ribbon, appeared from out of nowhere to step towards their leader with movements as refined as a ballet dancer. Even his expression garnered the same beautiful yet hard-faced fierceness of the Black Swan from Swan Lake. The epitome of a prima ballerina. Despite his intimidating looks, Ash locked in his unflinching position, as his smile had finally faded. Yut-Lung wasn’t fazed either, as he pressed on,

“Ash, let one of us ride first.”

“Why?”

“Wh-why?” Yut-Lung couldn’t even believe he’d have to explain himself, “Because we’ve been asking to ride with you long before that kid came along! Isn’t it only fair that we should take our turns? We’ve been waiting long enough!”

Ash exhaled deeply for a moment with his eyes closed shut, before simply mumbling, “Annoying.”

“Excuse me?” Yut-Lung challenged.

“It’s annoying when someone else tries making decisions for me. It’s up to me to choose who rides on my own bike, isn’t it?” Ash told him sternly, without raising his voice or showing much emotion at all, and coolly bows towards Eiji as the intense gaze returned upon greeting, “I’m giving Eiji a ride home tonight. He’s earned a reward for all his hard work. So find someone else to ride with.”

Yut-Lung flushed red, feeling humiliated and angered by this one-sided decision. Eiji could see how Yut-Lung’s perfect hair seemed to stand on end on his shoulders, as if the man was actually seething from the outside as well as the inside. But he must’ve known that he could say no more about the outcome, and stormed off in a sulk until he disappeared amongst the crowd. Though their whispers didn’t seem to ease, they were quickly overpowered by the growing buzz of engines that began to congregate around them. It was a sign that the riders were raring to start their drive.

Eiji cautiously approached Ash, as though all his energy from earlier had been completely sucked out of him. Suddenly, the decision to ride with him didn’t seem like a very good idea amongst the discourse. Eiji had no idea that his curiosity would lead into this kind of controversy in the group. The least he wanted out of this was to cause any unnecessary drama. Especially if it would become a burden to Ash. He’d never want to do that.

Ash sensed Eiji’s hesitance. He looked down at his feet, that had dug almost nervously into the ground, then looked at his hands, where his fingers would fidget around the rim of Sing’s helmet. And finally, Ash peered at his face, noticing the bottom of his lip that had caught between his teeth, and his blackened eyes… like dark pools beneath the moonlight, they were shimmering to reflect the racing anxiety that his thoughts had wrought. Ash said nothing, and simply observed him. A storm of heavy feelings must’ve surely taken place within, though Ash couldn’t help but watch him. Eiji’s theatre of emotions drew him in, further and further, as though he’d soon be swallowed whole. The majesty of it was confusing, but so inviting.

“Um, Ash,” Eiji began, with his eyebrows arched upwards adorably, “…are you sure this is okay?”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, that guy from before… he looked really pissed… and I don’t want to cause trouble--”

“Eiji.” The sound of his name falling from Ash’s mouth pulled out a golden complex feeling from Eiji’s body as he responded with a shiver cascading over his skin. “You live pretty far from here, right? Won’t you need a ride home?”

Shock, and absolute thrill, coursed through Eiji’s blood. “Yes,” he sighed, breathless.

Soon after, Ash tapped his knuckle against the hollow helmet in Eiji’s hand, and smiled fearlessly,

“Okay then. Let’s go.”

Eiji secured Sing’s helmet over his head just as Ash had propped on his. And Eiji leapt over the bike seat with the same spring and ferocity as he would for a pole jump.

Suddenly, a choir of revving engines sang ahead of them, and Eiji clenched a fist on the back handle of the bike, with another fist twisted into the side of Ash’s shirt, in a conscious effort to keep himself from being thrown off. When they began the ride, Ash’s speed climbed faster and faster, until the full force of the wind came crashing against Eiji’s face, if not for the windshield on Eiji’s helmet. The adrenaline of the ride had shot through his heart. It was such an exhilarating feeling, which made all the efforts on the pole vault day after day much more worthwhile. Eiji could fly, but he knew he already had. Only this time, he was riding on someone else’s wings.

“Ash!”

“Yeah?” They shouted over the thunderous noise.

“Don’t you usually go faster than this?”

“What was that?”

“You’d have usually overtaken everyone by now, right? Why haven’t you?”

“I always go this fast!”

“No you don’t!” Eiji paused before boldly asking, “Is it because of me?”

“Well, it’s your first time!” Ash yelled, and became silent for a moment, as though he seriously contemplated what he’d say next, “…I don’t want to scare you!”

“Ash. You don’t have to worry about me! I know it’s my first time, but I can handle it! I told you before, I won’t be scared! I trust you! I… I trust you more than anyone!”

It was too late to take back those words then. Eiji’s grasp on English wasn’t perfect, but he knew that certain words held more weight than others, depending on context. Only when he said that thought aloud did he realise the true impact of what he meant, and what he felt, from his very core - Ash was someone he truly trusted. In the short time that he’d known him, Eiji’s respect for Ash was insurmountable. As a leader, he was courageous, and as a friend, he was courteous. It was the reason he fought so hard to ride that back seat. Somewhere along the way, it became more than just curiosity…

“Eiji… put your arms around me.”

“Wh-what?”

“Hold on to me. Quickly.”

Tentatively at first, Eiji let his fingers slide around Ash’s torso, reluctant to note how firm he’d felt Ash’s stomach was. There were curves that accentuated the abdominal muscles that clearly developed there. To acknowledge it had affected a place within him that he wasn’t ready to recognise just yet. Eiji only lightly held him because of it, until Ash had suddenly twisted the handlebars, and the body of the bike tipped back, prompting Eiji to instinctively press forward to tighten his grasp around Ash desperately. He held in a gasp of surprise, but the spike of his heartbeat leapt to the base of his throat, so he cried out Ash’s name.

And that wasn’t the end of it. Eiji felt as though they’d passed through a storm as the wind bellowed against him. Ash sped up so quickly that the road signs were gone the moment Eiji could read one. The city looked so ethereal from that perspective - as they raced down the highway, dodging a few scattered cars in their way, the neon signs cast a kaleidoscope of synthetic colour across the horizon, situated in all directions dependant on the height of skyscrapers and the obstruction of street lights dotting along their path. A dominant shade of neon purples, pinks and blues clashed against each other in an almost futuristic virtual aesthetic. It was on the edge of flying through space.

But Eiji wasn’t travelling alone. This wasn’t like the pole vault, where it was all a solo effort. It just seemed like no one else, other than Ash and Eiji, was with them at all. As Eiji cast a glance behind them, he could barely spot a single headlight from the rest of the crew in the distance. They struggled to catch up. Ash was going way too fast. Exhilarating. Exciting. Thrilling. Eiji was overwhelmed by the adrenaline. His arms wrapped tighter around Ash’s waist, with his fingers clawed into the material of his shirt. Eiji’s hands shivered, feeling as though his blood was electric.

The sensation flowed from him and into Ash, and his body responded eagerly. Ash grinned. Eiji awakened his spirit. Trembling. Stirring. Arousing. He pulled out all the tricks to show off every bit of skill he had. And they sped down the highway until the everything else began to disappear. Even the road. It was just them, and this feeling.

* * *

 

Eventually, the night calmly came to an end. Ash pulled up to the edge of Eiji’s college campus, just out of the way so that there were no other living souls around to watch them part.

As Eiji unscrewed himself from Ash’s back, it dawned on him how the day came to a close much sooner than he liked. There wasn’t enough hours into the night where Eiji would truly be satisfied. How much time, he wondered, would be enough for Eiji to have his fill of Ash? The answer was definitely not one night. It needed to be enough nights to go on endlessly atop a paradoxical road where it would stretch on for eternity.

Eiji lingered by Ash’s side, unwilling to leave just yet. “Thanks for tonight… and for taking me home.”

“Such a polite Japanese boy.” Ash teased. There was a playful glean of his emerald eyes that sparkled, accompanied by an incredible smirk. Eiji could almost forgive him.

For the briefest moment, Eiji had a thought. Soon, Eiji would return to his own world, and Ash would return to his. They were from such opposite sides of an unspoken spectrum that Eiji could compare them to no more than lonely lumps of metal, set off course in their own orbits. From afar, Eiji could swear he saw Ash as the most beautiful shooting star, and in this fleeting instance, they crossed paths and only had each other.

What could he do, Eiji wondered, to secure their orbit together? Before there was a chance to separate, and they’d continue their path to nowhere alone? Eiji wanted to know the quickest way to close the gap between them. Eiji wanted to know why he feared his commitment to this budding relationship would want to last eternally, while for all he knew, Ash might only consider this an episode. His anxieties spawned the question,

“Was this… just because of my pole vault?”

Ash was silent for a moment, making sure to secure their gaze, as Eiji looked hopelessly cute when he became tense.

“I’d never seen someone jump like that.” Ash told him honestly, “Though, I’d never seen someone pole vault before. It was interesting… it looked difficult. I could see you lose all sense of control the moment your legs hit the bar. But… when you struggled off the mat to do it over, did you know there was a look in your eyes that was saying ‘I’m not giving up’?”

Eijji tilted his head, then blinked haphazardly.

“You didn’t let any of those failed attempts bother you. It showed on your face. Every single time, you didn’t hesitate to get right back up and start running again. It got me really thinking about how much you wanted it. About how much you wanted to succeed, and how much the course at your college meant to you. It’s really impressive to watch someone strive for something like that… like a fire was lit beneath your feet as you soared. And beneath all that… I guess, there was a self-absorbed part of me that wanted to believe you jumped… for the sake of the promise you made me.”

For a moment, Eiji caught that inkling of a soft tone to the end of his sentence. Immediately, Ash became too aware of what he’d said, and turned his head in a fruitless attempt to hide his bashfulness. Speckles of lightly tinted crimson lavished his face, and every part of his handsome features brilliantly glowed. At his most vulnerable, Ash appeared the most powerful, as Eiji could then really… truly… __deeply__  see him. There was trust, respect, kindness, affection… the root of a cultivating spiritual connection that began to exist between the two of them. It tore Eiji to ribbons and pieced him whole again.

“It’s not self-absorbed…” Eiji replied breathlessly while his heart fluttered, “It’s true… I really wanted… to ride on your bike.”

Ash let out a small strangled laugh, still embarrassed by his own honesty, “Then I hope it was everything you wanted it to be.”

“And more.” Eiji added, though sadly, “It was worth it… for that one time…”

“...then look forward to many more.”

Ash let that promise simmer in the cool night air, before starting up his engine to head towards the darkness of the faraway roads, and burned away like the last flickering flame of a candle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be working more in the next two days, so I won't be able to write anything again until Sunday. But until then I hope you've enjoyed this chapter!


	4. It Used To Be So Conflicting

They rode together many more times after that. And every single time, Ash would take Eiji to college, watch him cross the campus, before disappearing into the darkness just as dawn broke. Ash didn’t know it, but Eiji would stop mid-way and peer over his shoulder. Ash’s crimson brake lights would flicker and fade further into the distance, as if they’d gently get swallowed by the night. It was in those solitary moments that Eiji’d find himself missing Ash madly.

Since the first time they rode together, Eiji noticed small subtle changes that settled in over time. The adrenaline had slowed down now that the curiosity had been satisfied, all that was left to enjoy was the ride itself. Laying closely against Ash’s back became a feeling like home. Having his arms around Ash’s torso became natural, and comforting. Smiling into Ash’s shirt became a constant occurrence, as the happiness he felt would sometimes bubble up and become too much to handle. Eiji would watch the world pass by and feel his heart freeze, captured in that perfect moment where he felt he belonged.

Months went on like this. Then, one day on the side of the road, the gang rested to regroup and fill up their tanks. Ash was called by the other members for private discussions while Eiji waited patiently on the sidelines, latently sipping on a bottle of water. The summer was approaching and the days were getting longer, which meant their nights would seem shorter. But for them, it only meant to share their sunsets and sunrises together as an entirely new backdrop. Eiji perched on the curb, watching the bikes crawl by and the members pass him short glances of acknowledgement. Shorter came to join him. He sighed, leant back on his hands and lifted his chin to the sky.

“I’m trying to figure something out about you, Eiji.”

“Huh?” He quizzed, surprised.

“When you ride with Ash, there’s a sudden change in the way he drives. It’s like his turns get sharper and his speed is just… well, it’s unrivalled. I think you bring out the best in him.”

“Oh… really?” Eiji suppressed the speed of his heart as he became more flustered, though a hopelessly shaky grin lit up his features, “I guess… I have noticed when he does get a little more risky with me…”

“Risky? More like big-headed. I never knew there was a show-off underneath that exterior of his, until you came along.”

Eiji laughed, suddenly feeling a little shy. Honestly he didn’t know what to say to that. It’s not as though Eiji intended for Ash to react that way. Though he’d noticed the difference in how Ash drove with him compared to how to drove alone, there was a completely different feeling stirring when Shorter pointed it out aloud. It was the realisation that other people could see the change in Ash as well… with Eiji being the cause… the feeling was overwhelming…

“Can I tell you something Eiji?” Shorter asked, before his tone became serious, “The truth is… I’ve never really seen Ash act this way before. Not with any other crew member, or any of the girls, and definitely not with me. It’s only with you. And I can’t figure out what it is about you that riles him up so much.”

Eiji captured his lips between his teeth, and hesitated, “...is it concerning?”

“Not to me. No, not to me…”

“But it is to the others, right?”

Shorter gave Eiji a look where the arch of his eyebrows and the meek shimmer in his eyes confirmed it in silence. The atmosphere became heavy then, and neither of them said a thing, as the crushing overtone made Eiji’s heart sink to the depths of his stomach. Shorter adjusted his glasses, feeling awkward for bringing this up all of a sudden.

“Ash has never let anyone ride with him for as long as he has with you.” Shorter stated matter-of-factly, “You’re not a member yet formally, but I reckon you will be at this rate. It’s only a matter of time. So when that finally happens, and you’re taken in as one of us, I’m afraid that you’ll start noticing things within the group that you’ve been protected from.”

“I’m not being protected--”

“You’re always with Ash. As long as you stay by his side, then you will be protected. I’m just saying this as your friend--”

“Eiji!” Ash suddenly called from afar and interrupted their conversation. He’d finished talking with his crew and waved a signal to beckon him back.

Eiji climbed to his feet immediately as he was called. They were so attuned to each other that Ash only had to say Eiji’s name to pull on the leash around his neck. Even by shooting quick glances at each other, there seemed like an unspoken agreement that Eiji would be right there. But before that, Eiji turned to his side, never losing his innocent-like smile as he spoke,

“Don’t worry Shorter. I can look after myself. I’m way more capable than you give me credit for. I won’t let anything happen to me, and I sure as hell won’t let anything bad happen to Ash. Trust me, okay?” He assured him gently, and ran straight back to Ash’s side.

When Eiji greeted him, with that same friendly energy that he’d always possessed, Ash’s shoulders seemed to slide down, as his eyes completely softened from how it had been before. Shorter leant lazily against the palm of his hand and lamented to himself,

“You say that, Eiji… but what’ll happen when that special treatment has to come to an end? Where will you go then?” Shorter frowned, annoyed at himself and the situation, then watched as they slipped into a conversation, as though they entered a world of their own, and shrugged, “I guess… they look happy enough. Even if it’s just for the moment. I don’t really want to be the one to ruin that. Guess I’ll let them figure it out by themselves.”

* * *

 

__Present day…_ _

 

All the way home, Eiji reminisces about the earlier days with a bitter fondness that sets his heart alight. The subway ride home is almost empty, faded by broken overhead lights, and Eiji sits in the corner of a seat with his head resting against a handrail. The gentle stutters of the carriage rumble beneath his feet, but the lonely atmosphere is in direct parallel with the storm of emotions tearing inside his chest.

He can’t stop thinking of seventeen-year old Ash. He just can’t deny what those early days mean to him… those days when travelling through the city with Ash in his arms was the absolute height of his happiness. They almost seem like they were part of some long ago dream, with some parts glorified and other parts completely written over by distortion. All that remains constant is the feeling… that even in the earliest days of being together, in every minute that Eiji had him… long before he’d acknowledged it himself… Eiji had completely fallen in love with Ash.

Even now, significant pinches of what Eiji came to know as love will make itself known in the deepest parts of him. As if gathering up old broken pieces of his heart would form some semblance of how he used to feel for Ash… but any efforts to remodel it would be in vain, as the shape of it will never be the same. Nevertheless, it’s never really forgotten.

It had taken Eiji too long to realise the true depths of his feelings. Now more than ever, he realises it so blatantly. He finds the humour in it now, looking back at past events in his behaviour that perfectly reflect his love for Ash, without knowing the full extent of his emotions… despite practically having hearts shooting out of his eyes. Completely foolish youth… hopeless first loves…

Looking back, he knows it wasn’t until a while later, when the tension between him and Ash’s crew members had shifted, that Eiji began to notice things. Not just about himself, but above all, the people he chose to ignore.

* * *

 

__Five years ago…_ _

 

“Eiji! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, where’ve you been?” Shorter greeted him in their usual hang-out spot. The whole group of bikers were there, singing their same old chorus of running engines and loud chattering groups speaking amongst themselves. For Eiji, now it was a familiar sight to roam into. Though he’d always be able to pick out Shorter in the crowd, and be the first one to approach him.

“Yeah, sorry I haven’t seen you around much Shorter. I got a part-time job now to try and raise my funds a bit. It helps me out at college a lot, but… truthfully, there’s something else I’ve wanted to buy recently.” Eiji admitted, scratching the back of his head bashfully, as his eyes scanned the area almost erratically. Then, when his eyes narrowed on one particular person lingering nearby, Eiji suddenly squeezed on the strap of his bag that he’d kept close to his chest, and restlessly paced around Shorter, “I’m, um… I’m gonna go see Ash. I’ll see you later.”

Shorter retreated immediately, knowing how hopeless it’d be to get between Ash and Eiji by then. Though he smiled with a sigh, feeling slightly like a mother hen while watching over them. Not much could be done about them and what was happening there. Shorter knew that and accepted it. So he turned his back, leaving the rest of fate to them.

Eiji bounded straight towards Ash, who was resting on the seat of his bike as per the norm. The time had flown on by so quickly, where the summer had came and gone already. In that time, they spent the summer together amongst the group on hot night rides through New York. Now it was the beginning of autumn. The air was getting chillier, and the leaves were turning crisp apricot colours before cascading in droves to the ground. Ash was finally wearing his jacket over his shoulders instead of around his waist, with an auburn tartan scarf wrapped around his neck. He still looked as handsome as ever, and stylish in his gear.

When Eiji approached, Ash smiled warmly, as though his eyes smiled with him. That look shot right through Eiji’s heart, making him clutch at his chest to feel his racing heartbeat. He wondered how someone could smile like that, and still look so cool.

“Evening Eiji.”

“Hi Ash.” Eiji greeted, suddenly feeling shy. They exchanged glances for a moment then, as though they were satisfied enough just to see each other. Eiji had got used to the intensity of Ash’s eyes, but now he simply revelled in it. In some ways, he still felt embarrassed to be looked at like that. He’d feel his body heat up as he tried kept his composure balanced. It was only that instance where Eiji tentatively opened his bag, and pulled on a piece of leafy-green fabric, when Eiji felt his face flush over completely in crimson, “I brought it with me, Ash. Like I said I would…”

Ash stared at it for a second. Then turned up his gaze to grin and say, “Cool. You must be dying to try it on, huh. C’mon, let’s find a place for ourselves for a bit.”

Thankfully, the sun was still above the horizon as they broke away from the group, and rode beside the side walk along the riverbank. The street lamps hadn’t lit up just yet, but the skyline was ignited by a beautiful evening glow as the daylight was drawing to a close. A warm tangerine glow highlighted the surrounding features of the scene, as the gentle waves from the river seemingly sparkled across the tide.

Just nearby a bridge that crossed over the river, they lingered on a grassy hill, slightly hidden by a few trees with enough red-yellow leaves as their canopy. Their backdrop was undeniably gorgeous. Eiji almost forgot the reason they came here.

“Let’s see it then.” Ash lightly chided him, his gaze as fierce as ever.

“Oh! Right. Okay, here it is!”

Eiji pulled out a sea-weed green biker jacket from his bag, and held it up against him with a grin.

“You finally earned enough from your part-time job to buy one then.”

“Yeah! And as soon as I found out where to get one tailored from one of the members, I ordered it right away.” Eiji said, and held it lovingly to his body as though the fabric was a precious treasure. Then, as a negative thought quickly flashed by him, his eyes cascaded to the ground as his tone lowered weakly, “Is this… is this really okay? Isn’t it too soon?”

For a moment, Ash was silent and unmoving. Though his eyes were clamped on the jacket, and the shimmer of his emerald irises told of a thousand thoughts running behind them, Ash took a while before answering,

“With or without that jacket, it already feels like you’re an official member of the gang. To me, as long as you stay by my side, I don’t care what you wear.”

Eiji felt his body heat up once more. And the grip around his jacket tightened. Sometimes it would completely throw him off balance whenever Ash would speak earnestly like that. The heavy impact of his words would always wound him in a place he didn’t fully understand. He just reacted without truly knowing what it was that cultivated in the depths of his soul.

Then, Ash continued, as he fingered the hems of the jacket himself, “Anyway, you were the one to ask me if you could join us as a member. All I did was approve you.”

“Took you a while to answer me, though.”

“Maybe I needed some time to think over a few things,” Ash teased him, only half-serious, “You’ll be carrying the responsibility of what it means to be a part of my gang. Think about that while you’re wearing it and how you act in it will come across to everyone else.”

“Right…” Eiji said, looking a little apprehensive, before Ash suddenly took the jacket from him and held out the arms with a sudden burst of enthusiasm.

“But nevermind all that now! C’mon then! Didn’t you want to show me how it looked before anyone else?”

Once he said that, the meaning of those words and the cheeky grin from Ash’s expression threw Eiji into a heated mess, and he turned on his heels to desperately hide away his incredibly visible blush. Then, with a slight pout, he slid his arms into the sleeves of the jacket that Ash had courteously held open for him. He poked his hands through the holes, though he hadn’t managed to get the whole of his hands through, as the hems stopped midway just a few inches below his knuckles. The body of the jacket fit his torso perfectly, though the length of it rested just below his hips, but not too long to look uneven on his figure.

As much as Eiji wanted to turn back around and show Ash the full extent of how he looked… it took a minute to want to pull himself away. Eiji suddenly found himself wrapped up in Ash’s arms. The shock of it had his heartbeat pounding. Ash was tentatively looking over every inch to straighten out parts of the jacket that didn’t look right. He fanned out the collar from over his chest, neatly folded it beside his neck, and gently tucked his fingers beneath Eiji’s hair to brush out the strands that got caught beneath it. Eiji bit his lips from the intrusion… yet Ash was so careful in the way he treated Eiji, especially by the way his fingertips would lightly graze his skin as though it were made of glass. Ash’s breath was practically floating by Eiji’s ear. Eiji began to sweat.

Then, as Ash patted his shoulder, he turned Eiji around for him, and looked over the boy… before a large grin split across his face.

Eiji asked with one eyebrow cocked, “How do I look?”

“You look good. A little bit more like a biker. Though I’d never seen a jacket look as though it’s swallowing up a person.”

“Ash!” Eiji scolded, before they both nearly fell to pieces in laughter. The atmosphere seemed to lighten, and a happy afterglow settled in once the eventual silence welcomed peace. Together, they overlooked the gentle flow of the river at their feet. The skyline littered by skyscrapers in the distance seemed to endlessly go on forever from both sides. Eiji’s heart was full just by looking at it.

But it wasn’t until Ash had turned to him, and shattered it.

“I’ll be leaving you in Shorter’s care from now on, Eiji.”

“Huh?” He met his gaze. Wide-eyed in surprised. Suddenly at a loss for words, “Wait… you mean… with riding home, and stuff?”

“Yeah.” Ash looked solemnly out to the faraway horizon. It seemed as though his gaze had distanced him too.

“I can’t ride with you any more?”

Ash hung his mouth open, as if to say something, before retracting himself to think it over. Until he simply said, with his eyes to the sky, “I can’t play favourites to any one member. It’s a rule I made a long time ago, just to keep peace in the crew. So…”

His voice trailed off then. Eiji was wide-eyed for a while, as if gears were slowly turning in his head. Everything only made a semblance of sense once he said it aloud.

“I see. So I can’t ride with you.”

Suddenly, the jacket he had on felt like a heavy weight that pulled down his shoulders. There was no doubt that he wanted to be part of the gang, as he liked being around the bikers enough to keep visiting as often as he did, so it would be inevitable he’d no longer be an outsider and become part of the crew itself. But, the largest part of wanting to be a part of it… was because of Ash.

Eiji stared at the ground, completely listless. Ash noticed this, and hesitated. Though cautiously at first, entirely out of bashfulness, Ash side-stepped a little to get close enough to Eiji to put his arm over his shoulders. Ash kept his wavering gaze towards the horizon though, as he felt shy enough from embracing him alone, and murmured,

“I never said… that I wouldn’t let you ride with me again…”

Eiji was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to pay attention to that, though. Suddenly, the reality of what it means to be a part of Ash’s gang had crashed down on him all at once. A mixture of unpleasant emotions began stirring within him, and Eiji truly didn’t know what that meant. He could only feel remorse for what were carefree days with Ash by his side, suddenly blocked by knowing that may no longer be the case…

After that, Ash and Eiji returned to the rest of the group the moment that the sun had gone down. Finally the street lamps lit up the paths they walked along, though it was mostly in a sombre silence. Soon after, Ash had split ways to see to some members that had been asking for him, leaving Eiji feeling stranded on his own all of a sudden. Eiji felt paralysed. Suddenly, the concept of Ash leaving him was overwhelming, and terrifying. That was until he’d been approached by Shorter, sporting his signature glasses and high-energy grin.

“Hey Eiji. You alright? You look a bit white in the face…”

“I’m fine… it’s nothing,” Eiji assured him weakly, as he just couldn’t keep up with the energy that felt completely beaten out of him, “Shorter, is it okay if I ride on your back seat today?”

“Really? I mean, yeah, it’s okay… but--”

“Why aren’t you riding with Ash today? You guys fight or something?” Sing Soo-Ling interjected then, coming from a group that began to circle around them. His brother, Lao Yen-Thai, joined them, though he carried an air of hostility beyond that of Sing’s. He almost looked too threatened by everything that came into contact with them like they were an instant enemy. Eiji was, unfortunately, no different. Lao squared up to him,

“It’s about time Ash realised what he was doing. All this time he’s been too sweet with you, making us feel left behind. Who do you think you are, huh? Think you’re Ash’s second-in-command or something? Don’t think ‘cause you got on that jacket means you’re in with the rest of us!”

“Cool it, Lao.” Sing hissed. Then immediately darted his eyes back to Eiji, who only seemed to cement his eyes firmly to the ground, “Listen, Lao comes across badly, but that’s the mindset of some of us here. You’re a member now, so think about what that means after Ash has been taking care of you all this time. You should hold back from him for a while.”

“Is that a word of warning, Sing?” Shorter said with an unflinching grin, only half-joking.

Suddenly, the flit of a long raven-haired ponytail interrupted the group, as Lee Yut-Lung crashed the circle with his presence.

“So this means the rest of us finally get a chance to ride Ash’s back seat, right? Seems only fair after this long.” He said spitefully, with a hand rested against his elegantly sharp hipbone, “You’ve been doted on all this time that you seem to forget… not only do you not have your own bike, but it’s not like you have anywhere near the same knowledge about bikes as the rest of us. There’s nothing about you that’s useful to us. You clearly don’t belong here. Seems to me like you’ve just wanted some place to hang out. Not got any friends at that college of yours?”

“Stop it, Yut-Lung.” Shorter scolded him, now completely serious. But Yut-Lung went on unfazed.

“I’m just saying he shouldn’t be so full of himself. Goes to show how spoiled he’s been now that Ash has thrown him away--”

“I haven’t been…” Eiji protested, before his voice trailed off. All the insecurities he had over Ash was pulling down his heart, as he felt it fall to the pit of his stomach. He clenched his teeth and tightened his fists by his sides, frustrated with not knowing what to say. He just couldn’t gather the strength to defend himself. Not without already feeling so anxious without Ash.

Yut-Lung looked satisfied with how Eiji appeared to back down. He passed Shorter a look and a smirk, then gloated with a dismissive wave of his hand,

“I’d better go tell everyone that Ash’s seat is free for any takers. I know the girls have been pretty restless. With how much time they’ve waited, it’s gonna take a while for everyone to have their fair share until they’re satisfied.”

Eiji watched after him as Yut-Lung turned on his heels, laughing to himself along the way with Sing and Lao trailing after him, and faded into the crowds with loud claims about Ash’s back seat. The excited murmur from the group had begun as most of the members were discussing and fighting amongst themselves. And despite wearing the gang’s jacket, Eiji felt completely on the outside. It almost seemed as though he was never truly welcome there, and he was once again just a tourist passing by.

Then, Shorter and Eiji felt a presence come up from the rear. Ash suddenly appeared, with his arm hooking around Eiji’s shoulders.

“Shorter,” Ash began, as he pulled Eiji near to him, “Can I trust you to look after Eiji for a while?”

“Yeah… it’s no problem…”

Shorter and Ash’s voices seemed to fade into the background then. Eiji couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything else any more. It was only Ash that he felt conscious of. The height of him was idyllic to take Eiji under his wing and hold him like a perfect fit. His face flushed a deep red colour as a blush flourished over him. It just confirmed to Eiji then, that although the situation was dire within the group, and Eiji was on the verge of being split away from Ash… nothing affected him more at that point than who would be riding behind Ash on that back seat that he wanted to claim.

‘I want to ride behind Ash… I really do… I want to be the only one…’

Eiji almost felt the urge to bury his face into Ash’s chest. He wanted to wrap his arms around Ash’s waist and never let go. Suddenly there was a desperate need to hold on to him, just to keep Ash beside him, all in order to escape the inevitability of having someone else take his place away from him. Eiji felt it even more so as Ash finally broke away his arm from Eiji’s shoulders, and painfully so when several members came to crowd around Ash and ask for a ride. They asked in the same fashion that Eiji had asked - pleading with promises. All in a competition for his attention. Eiji felt nauseous just to watch.

Shorter could see it plainly on Eiji’s face how much inner turmoil he was going through. So he pulled on Eiji’s sleeve to take him away from the scene that was killing him.

“Here, Eiji. My bike’s just as big as Ash’s, y’know. Listen to the engine. Pretty powerful, right?”

The ripping sound of Shorter’s own bike nearly rattled the garbage pails nearby. Eiji finally felt his shoulders lower to relax.

“Your bike’s really cool, Shorter. That back seat is huge!”

“Thanks. Modified it myself.” He grinned proudly. Then, his expression fell a little as he said, “Listen. You can ride with me for as long as you want. I’m loyal to Ash for all that he’s done for me. I’ll take care of you. So… well, Sing is right. Hold yourself back from Ash’s back seat. Just for now.”

Eiji exhaled slowly, then shrugged in defeat before seating himself behind Shorter, “I guess I’ll have to. Seems like that’s what Ash wants, anyway…”

“Well… I don’t know about that. Seems to me that he put off approving you as a member for as long as he could… because he genuinely looked like he was having a lot of fun with you. It’s just that he can’t play favourites with members. A lot of us respect him as a leader for his fairness. So you understand that this is the way it has to be for a little while, right?”

“...I do.”

Eiji firmly understood. Even as they began heading off on a ride, and he watched Ash lead the pack with a girl clinging to his jacket, Eiji completely understood the situation. But, it’s just…

‘If I were the one sitting behind Ash… I wouldn’t hold on to him like that, looking so desperate with my arms around him…’

Spiteful thoughts like these plagued him ferociously, even after he fanned them away, they’d come right back just as urgently. There was a loud internal conflict going on within him that knew very well that this was something he’d have to accept. It was just his weak willingness to stand back and watch it from afar that made it so difficult. And as the ride went on, it didn’t help that Eiji noticed something so glaringly obvious:

‘Ash… he’s not riding as fast as he usually does… and he’s not riding as well as he does with me… he’s holding back so much… he could let go completely, if it was me behind him…’

Riding with Shorter was an interesting change, but it was lacking. It ached to realise just how lacking it really was. Eiji was having no fun at all. That adrenaline that was once there had faded to a dull numbness, and the happiness he usually felt with Ash tight and safe in his arms was an empty void which Shorter couldn’t fill. All the way through the night, Eiji felt as though he was floating in pure blackness. Until after a while, where there was no sign of any feeling sparking in his chest, Eiji just leant against the protruding back seat of Shorter’s bike and stared blankly at the sky. And felt nothing.


	5. It Used To Be So Tense

“Haah… this is so annoying.” Ash exhaled with a groan. It’d been several weeks now where he’d given up his back seat to other members of his crew, though to him it felt like several months. Sitting back against his bike, Ash confided in Sing Soo-Ling away from the group, under the halo of a lone street lamp. “Why do I have to keep on pleasing everyone for this long? Some of these guys actually ask me to go slower… don’t they realise what they’re asking for when they wanna ride with me?”

“You got no other choice, Ash. You made that rule a long time ago, and look, it’s worked so far. Treating us fairly is what we respect you for. You gotta remember that.”

“I know. It’s just…” With a sigh, Ash adjusted the scarf around his neck as he tried to find the correct words to use, “…well, I can’t ride the way I like. I’ve been riding bikes for a long time, and… it’s just been a while since I could really let go and drive like I used to…”

“You’re only feeling this way because you let Eiji ride with you too much.” Sing told him, but he saw the way that Ash flinched at the mention of his name, and changed his approach, “I’m not saying it was really a bad thing. It’s all just a matter of circumstance. That’s all it really boils down to. Even so, I feel like I gotta keep reminding you. I know you’re holding yourself back by taking on these requests more than before, but I know you, Ash. I know you’re aware it’s your own fault for letting the guy ride with you for so long. So quit complaining to me already.”

“I gotta complain to someone, Sing. No one gives it to me straight quite like you do.” Ash admitted with a half-smile. And despite himself, Sing appeared to smirk in return, though he turned his head so Ash wouldn’t see.

Meanwhile, Eiji had been hiding behind the corner of the street they were standing on. He pressed his back against the brick wall, still within earshot of their conversation, and let what he overhead slowly sink in. It wasn’t as though he meant to eavesdrop. Eiji only came to find Ash to talk before they’d head out on a drive… lately, it was the only time he could spend with Ash. It was when Eiji saw Ash talking with Sing by themselves, Eiji instinctively stepped out of view. He could tell their conversation was meant for only the two of them. But he caught the tail end of their conversation, especially when his own name had been mentioned.

More often, Eiji realised how much he was truly protected by Ash and Shorter. It was the reason why Eiji lingered there, hidden behind the corner, in vain attempt to approach Ash once his conversation with Sing had ended. Because if he had returned to the group by himself, without knowing where Shorter was, or at least the few members he knew he could get along with, Eiji knew he’d be met with hostile gazes from the rest of the gang. It seemed in the time before he’d become a member, Eiji just hadn’t noticed the growing tension that came from his unwelcome presence.

When it all came down to it, it looked on the surface that Eiji just immersed himself in the group by coddling up to Ash and his closest friends. It won him no favours in all the times he’d go straight for Ash’s back seat without getting to know the rest of the community. And he hadn’t allowed the time for them to get to know him in return. People like Yut-Lung and Lao could only watch from the sidelines as someone they didn’t know invaded into the scene, which their leader allowed, and seemingly wrapped him around Eiji’s finger. There were nasty whispers about Eiji that spread around without him knowing. It painted a complete opposite image of him that he couldn’t control.

Eiji gave up on trying to talk to Ash then, and came to find Shorter instead. When he approached the group lingering in a small clearing, Shorter was seen surrounded by a crowd of members who only glanced back at Eiji once, before their gazes turned immediately into unfriendly glares. Shorter spotted him, however, and was about to greet him… until Eiji quickly turned away.

“I’m going to buy a drink.” Eiji said, before evading the meeting to walk down the street. Shorter could only watch after him then.

Eiji found a convenience store just a couple blocks down the way. He dived inside, grateful for the diversion. But as he stepped in front of the fridges, he only stared at the shelves completely deadpan.

There was so much frustration that he was holding on to deep inside. Eiji didn’t know how to deal with it all. On one hand, he understood that he had to keep himself from riding with Ash for a while, just until the tension within the gang subsided. But on the other hand… Eiji couldn’t place the reason why, but he felt such an intense need to put a claim on Ash… so nothing about the situation sat well with him at all. He couldn’t stomach the sight of other people sitting in his place on Ash’s back seat. For the life of him, Eiji just couldn’t let his heart listen to his reason. It felt as if he’d been split into two beings, where one was the cool-headed reasonable voice, while the other was a more passionate and outspoken child. The strain of it was mentally exhausting.

Above it all, despite this inner conflict, Eiji was willing to take whatever the other members could give, because Eiji would rather take on the burden of it all rather than cause trouble for Ash.

‘Internal complications aren’t good… and I’ll be damned if anything kicks off because of me… I’d sooner leave…’

These thoughts circulated through Eiji’s head, feeling more and more certain that he’d take anything on the chin as it comes, and left the store empty-handed with his eyes cast to the ground… but it was as he turned away from the doors that he suddenly felt an arm lock around his shoulders, into the tightest hook he couldn’t get out of.

“Out here all alone without Ash, are you Eiji?” A mocking voice cooed from his side.

Eiji turned to this person, and his body tensed up in high alert. Lao Yen-Thai had appeared, with his expression as malicious as ever. His eyes were wide, creating a chill down Eiji’s spine as he was forced to stare back at him by the grip of his arm. And his smile was sarcastic and disingenuous, no doubt a tactic to intimidate him.

“I wonder if you even remember my name. I know yours. Eiji. Shit, the whole gang knows who you are. You got your head so far up Ash’s ass, so I guess you don’t have to know any of us underlings, do you?”

“What… what are you talking about?” Eiji tried to shake him off, but Lao’s hold on him was too tight, and his strength was way too overbearing. Beneath his jacket was a lot more muscle than Eiji had.

A few more crew members appeared then, coming from around the corner with Yut-Lung in the lead. The elegance in the way he carried himself was juxtaposed with the glint of aggression in his eyes as he looked down on Eiji, wriggling in Lao’s arm. Now he’d hooked right around his chest, and bent Eiji over to a position he couldn’t easily escape from.

“I let you off easy once.” Yut-Lung exclaimed, as he stepped up to them with his sharp eyes looking down his nose, “I told you that you don’t belong with us. We don’t have any use for worthless stragglers like you. Even that jacket doesn’t look right on you. Do you even know what you look like?”

“Like some little boy playing dress up.” Lao slighted him with a smirk.

Eiji struggled to respond through the grit of his teeth, “Ash said… I look fine…”

“Ash obviously doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s losing his edge being around you. He just can’t see it. That’s all you’ve done since you’ve been here. You’ve had Ash under your thumb and neglected the rest of us. You think we’re just background noise or something? Like we’re just going to sit back and watch that happen? You really piss me off with that smug little face of yours!”

Lao threw Eiji to the ground then. Eiji groaned from the impact of his ribs crushing against the pavement. It was as if Yut-Lung’s words alone were riling him up, which meant he was able to use Lao’s fists instead of his own. Lao towered over him as he faced away from the street lamps, so that shadows had swallowed up his face and hidden his terrifying expression.

“You should just quit already, Eiji. Unless you want to go through with this over and over again. Don’t think we’re going to stop until we have you gone.”

Lao threatened him, looking as if he was raring to really use his fists. Eiji clutched at his sides as he began to throb. Though the situation looked dire, and was only moments away from being in serious danger, still… all Eiji could think about was Ash. ‘I’m just going to cause him more trouble from this… because of me, Ash’s gang might fall apart… all because of me…’

The frustration and anxiety that had been held down in the pits of his stomach suddenly burst at the seams, and overwhelmed his entire being. Eiji’s body nearly shook from the explosion of turmoil that couldn’t be controlled. As he sat with his head hung forward, like he’d doubled over from the pain, Eiji voiced everything he dared to say,

“Even if I quit, how is that going to get you two any closer to Ash?” Lao froze then, and Yut-Lung stared wordlessly in anger, “Are you two trying to take the position beside him? You think by being better friends with him, it’ll affect some kind of ranking you have within the crew? Don’t you think it’s Ash’s decision who he wants to spend time with? Don’t you think that’s how it’s been this entire time?”

“Shut the fuck up! Smug little shit!”

Lao was close to winding back his fist, ready to strike at him with all his strength…

But suddenly, Lao was thrown forward, as the impact of Ash’s punch across the back of Lao’s head knocked him over in surprise.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch him!!” Ash raged. His face the picture of pure fury.

Sing called after him from the distance, trying his best to run over as fast as he can, “Ah, shit! Don’t get violent on your own members, you moron!”

Yut-Lung stumbled back in retreat, while Lao fell to his knees to clutch his aching skull with both hands. He groaned, but immediately admitted defeat. Eiji could only blink haphazardly as he slowly registered Ash’s sudden appearance, even while he was forced on to his feet when Ash grabbed a hold of his wrist, and dragged him aside.

The look on Ash’s face was something he’d never seen before. It was like the look of feral anger in his eyes, darkened by the shadows of his sweeping blonde hair dishevelled by his loss of composure. He’d been so cool-headed and even-tempered this entire time Eiji had known him, that the sight of him losing all sense of himself was unnerving, but still, incredibly human.

“Come with me.” Ash simply said, and pulled him away with a sense of urgency wrought by the last few bouts of his rage.

“Wh-what… wait…”

“C’mon! Please.”

Eiji looked hopelessly confused as he erratically switched glances between Ash and Sing, but he only baited him on as he tended to his brother writhing on the ground, “Go with him, Eiji. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything here.”

Without another word, Eiji let Ash take him away, ignoring the rest of the crew members who’d come to take a look at the scene. Shorter showed up amongst them, with a look of shock that prompted a wash of pure embarrassment tearing up the inside of Eiji. He never planned for things to get this out of hand. Especially in front of Ash. He hung his head in shame, unable to look at him any more. His arm fell limp in Ash’s grasp, as he let him take full control of the situation without any cause for dispute. He just wanted to get away from there.

It seemed as though Eiji had been in a daze for a couple of minutes, as though he completely blanked out reality to eventually find himself watching the world suddenly breeze by. Then he was greeted by a familiar wind that’d hit against him, with the mould of neon-coloured lights floating past like clouds, and a body that felt like a missing limb back within his arms… until it all connected to one thing. Finally, after all this time, Ash took him on a ride on his bike once again…

There were so many questions Eiji wanted to ask: ‘Ash… why did you go so far as to punch one of your gang members? What’s going to happen with them? Where are we going? And… what’s happening with us?’

Even though these questions were burning on the tip of his tongue… really, none of it mattered. Not at that moment.

Eiji, tentatively at first, leaned forward on the back seat. Then, he buried his face into Ash’s back - the flourish of his blush safely hidden. And his arms wrapped around his body, clinging on to the front of his jacket with all his strength, holding him as though he was precious. As though he couldn’t bear to let this go again. Eiji was so embarrassed… especially as he called others ‘desperate’ for holding on to Ash in the exact same way… now he understood entirely; the feeling of wanting someone so emotionally, it fed into his soul.

So nothing else mattered. Only his arms around him again, with the world passing by like a fading image… his forehead crushed to the small of his neck, wishing all the words he couldn’t say would flow through him instead… and his heart sang with that same burst of happiness he’d so longed for all this time.

* * *

 

Throughout the entire journey, Eiji kept his face hidden against Ash’s back without moving. He never looked up to see where he was going, or how Ash was driving. It all lead up to a mystery that Eiji didn’t want the answer to. Didn’t feel like it mattered. He was just concerned with what he had right in front of him then. Just the boy in his arms.

Until eventually, Ash came to a stop. The engine grew deadly silent, as the wheels rolled to a gentle halt.

“We’re here.” Ash spoke. But Eiji wouldn’t move. Ash turned over his shoulder. Again, Eiji remained hidden away. His hands as tight as they were when they started.

Ash gently urged again, “Eiji.”

He may as well had been glued to his back.

“We’re at my place.” Ash finally told him.

Eiji flinched then. Slowly, he looked up from Ash’s shoulder to see a small and compacted convenience store in his way.

“My apartments just above this place. The front door’s through the back on the inside. Though we close late at night, so I gotta unlock the entrance here…”

Ash parked in a small spot just outside the front of the store, and they climbed from the bike to pass by a large vending machine that sat beside the double doors. For a minute, while Ash dug out his keys from his pockets, they both bathed in the blazing indigo lights that buzzed off of the neon signs above them. Ash caught Eiji’s eyes cautiously looking around the place, seemingly on high alert.

“Don't worry, okay? My parents were sold the building before they passed away. Then the deed passed down on to me so I own this place. Well, I run it too.”

“Huh? You… you work here?”

“Yeah. What, you think I make a living as a biker or something?” Ash smirked playfully.

“Well… no, I just… I guess we never really talked about…” Eiji trailed off then, suddenly realising how little Ash talked about himself in the past. Ash lead him inside once he’d managed to open the doors, and walked through the dark interior with Eiji close in tow. Though he came at a slow pace as he stated solemnly, “…I’m just as much at fault though, since I didn’t really ask you, did I?”

“Eiji, it’s not like I brought it up in the first place. Not many people know about my apartment anyway.  Only Shorter does from the gang…”

“So the girls don’t know about it either?”

Ash paused. Then Eiji froze up, suddenly realising what he’d just said. It was a completely offhand remark that he hadn’t thought all the way through, yet he’d said it aloud before even registering it past his lips. Immediately, he flustered,

“I… I mean… um!”

“...this way.” Ash calmly guided him to a back door on the far side of the interior.

The indescribable atmosphere made Eiji almost stumble over his feet. He couldn’t quite believe where he was or what was happening. It felt like it was only a few minutes ago that Eiji had been shoved to the ground in a dispute with Lao and Yut-Lung, and it didn’t feel that long ago since he had his back pressed against the brick wall, while hiding away from facing up to Ash… contemplating if he’d have a life and future together in his gang. It didn’t seem possible that he was here with him now, invited into the place he lived, in which very few people knew about. Nevertheless, he went with the flow of it all, a lump in his throat as he approached the door that Ash had just opened.

The frame looked fairly worn away, as if it’d had years of life taken away from it, and the hallway was intimidating by how dark it looked inside. When Eiji popped his head around the corner, he could just about see the curve of a staircase leading up to the first floor. Ash switched on a light, which was a singular bare bulb hanging down from the ceiling. The building looked old, and the contents were evidence of its age.

“Be careful going up. The stairs are sharp.” Ash warned him, his tone softening, “Hold on to me if you think you’re gonna fall.”

Eiji tapped his palm to his chest. He couldn’t ignore how gently Ash was treating him. He could sense it in the way that Ash would glance at him every now and again, like he was looking over him carefully, making sure that he was still there. It made Eiji wonder if Ash had done this a few times already to be well versed in how this goes. Eiji wondered if the reason Ash was so careful was because he knew all the right things to look out for, moments before leading his partner towards the bedroom. Eiji wondered all of these things, again and again, with a raging heat flourishing over his face the more he disliked how unsettled this made him feel, until they reached the top of the stairs.

“Let me just get the lamp… the bulb’s gone on the ceiling.” Ash murmured as he ushered them both inside.

Once the place finally lit up, Eiji’s eyes widened. The apartment was as small as you could expect for something affordable in New York. The kitchen connected to the main room, where a small set of drawers was pushed up against the wall, with a television set in one corner, and a regular sized bed in the other, just about level with the bottom of the windowsill beside it. The panes were high and wide, stretching out the beautiful skyline view of the city. Eiji could see it in his head - the image of Ash rolling over in his bed, and the first thing he’d wake up to is the littered skyscrapers that made up this concrete jungle that Eiji so loved. It was a pretty lucky place to live in to see all that.

But the most noticeable thing for Eiji was how cluttered the room had looked. Although it wasn’t a lot to call a mess, the whole place was just small enough to make it look more compacted than it really was. There were crumbled clothes thrown over the side of the mattress, grocery bags lingering around the kitchen floor, and used pots and pans left idly around the kitchen counters. It made Eiji say aloud,

“Doesn’t look like you tidy up much.” ‘Definitely doesn’t have that woman’s touch’, he wanted to add, but stopped himself before he could dig himself a deeper hole.

“I’m not in here long enough to clean up, really.” Ash admitted. Then he shook out of his jacket and scarf to hang them on a nearby peg, before glancing to the bed, “It’s gonna take a while for the place to heat up. And I… don’t really have any space for chairs, or anything. Get under the covers if you’re cold.”

Eiji hesitated at the entrance then. It all began to slowly sink in once he was finally inside. ‘I’m in Ash’s room… everything in here belongs to him, even his scent is…’

He could think no more. Instead, his thought process completely stopped, as the sound of his thunderous heartbeat interjected in his ears. Eiji cast his gaze to the ground, immediately becoming shy in response, just as he could feel the white wash of heat radiating from his face.

And happiness. He felt so much happiness that it made him almost nauseous. For Ash to reveal this much of himself, by opening his home to him, meant more than words could say. To see the best of him, to see the worst of him, Eiji wanted to see every possible angle of Ash, and be able to breathe regularly again. At that moment, it almost seemed impossible.

After taking off his shoes, Eiji stepped towards the bed - inspecting it first - before nervously crawling on to the mattress. Then he grabbed a fistful of the covers and pulled the entire length of it around his body. He buried half his face into the material, desperate to hide the blush on his cheeks as he continued to show embarrassment openly, helplessly, completely. Ash’s smell came off of the fabric that Eiji had hidden his nose in, and he felt dizzy. He’d shuffled up the mattress to lay his back against the wall, with the window immediately to the left of him. And his eyes glued to Ash moving around the room, pouring plastic cups full of water to set aside on the shelves at the end of the bed.

Finally, Ash rested on the mattress, a fair distance away from Eiji. There was a silence between them then, as their gazes broke off to wander aimlessly around the place. Though the entire room had only a single floor-lamp to light the place, there were specks of a blueish tint from the direction of the window where the neon sign for Ash’s store situated below it. When they finally looked at each other, both figures were split in an array of neon indigo, and a dull pinkish light on the opposite side. It was the aesthetic epitome of a dark and moody evening, alone but together in a quiet part of the city.

Eiji looked at Ash for a moment, silently admiring how Ash looked so handsome in that 80’s glow of neon light. Yet he looked softer than he had ever been before. Far from the image of a fearless and straight-talking leader that EIji had come to know over the year. Far from anything he’d ever known before. The night had such a strange and beautiful warmth, mostly because Ash was there. And Eiji was here, in Ash’s apartment… in Ash’s bed…

“...you not gonna let me in there?” Ash murmured then, peering at the covers folded entirely around Eiji, “It’s kinda cold out here.”

“You shouldn’t have taken your jacket off.” Eiji scolded lightly, turning his head to the side bashfully… but even so, he lifted the covers from his right, and let it pool by his side. But he winced then. The injury from earlier made itself known as his ribs throbbed from an awkward movement he’d made. Ash immediately noticed.

And slowly, Ash shuffled across the mattress. His arm stretched out, as his hand carefully hovered beside Eiji’s ribcage… but stopped short before moving any closer. Eiji had definitely froze. But he hadn’t flinched away. So Ash lightly touched upon the fabric of Eiji’s jacket, and pushed it aside to rest his palm against the loose shirt underneath.

“Are you hurt here?” Ash asked, his voice low and husky.

Eiji felt the touch of Ash’s gentle hand like fire burning through his blood. Though he couldn’t feel his skin through the fabric of his shirt, it didn’t seem to matter much. The warmth of him, the cautiousness of how he held him… all of it was devastating. Eiji felt like too much air had left his throat to breathe.

But a frown came upon Ash’s features, as he withdrew his hand away almost ashamedly, “…sorry.”

“Wh… huh?” Eiji took a minute to register what he really meant by that, and nearly shook out of the cocoon he’d made to protest, “You shouldn’t apologise, Ash. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. Because of me, I made you hurt one of your gang members… all I’ve done is cause you trouble…”

“Enough of that already.” Ash dismissed instantly, and gently adjusted the blanket back around Eiji’s shoulders, “Anyway, I’ve been meaning to give you something for a while now…”

Ash bent over to reach for the set of drawers on the far side of the room, and clutched at one of the deepest shelves to pull something out of it.

Meanwhile, Eiji just couldn’t forget what he’d made Ash do. He wanted to be the first one to apologise. He wanted to be the one to revert all that’s happened so far, so that Ash wouldn’t have to go back and deal with the tension that he’d wrought on himself. Eiji remembered the look of shock that’d cast over Shorter’s face. He remembered how ferociously Sing had called out to them when Ash had lost his temper over Lao. It all came back to him… Eiji was the cause, and he knew it couldn’t be so easily undone. Completely overcome by despair, Eiji regretted ever approaching the gang from the very beginning…

But this endlessly negative thought process was abruptly halted as Ash laid a black and white striped helmet in Eiji’s hands.

“Here. It’s for you.”

Eiji stared at it. His hands remained still by the sides of its shell. Then, he hesitated to ask,

“I-I don’t understand… didn’t you say… that you didn’t want me to ride with you anymore?”

“Eiji.” Ash called, in his softest tone yet, “I never said you couldn’t ride with me for the rest of your life.”

Torn into two. Eiji doubled over from the impact of those words. He’d been split into halves, like a sword had struck through him. The covers were pulled up to his face to hide himself completely away, in any and all attempts to keep the crimson blush from revealing how desperately happy he felt. So much happiness. So much that he could barely be able to contain it within his chest. It spilt over like an overflowing well. So much happiness, and yet, just as much despair.

“No, Ash… this can’t happen. Not anymore.” Eiji squeezed the words out of his throat, “There’s no way the gang will ever accept me. If I stay, I’m just going to cause a rift between you and everyone else. I don’t want to do that, Ash… I don’t want to do that to you…”

“Eiji…” Ash called out his name, but he didn’t respond. He just kept his face in his hands where he’d pulled up the covers. It didn’t look as if he was willing to show himself to Ash at any point, with how firmly he’d gripped a fistful of the fabric. So, visibly discouraged, Ash backed away, and turned to head to the bathroom, “I’ll… go get some ointment for your injury--”

Suddenly, Eiji sprang out and desperately grabbed a hold of him. Ash halted, in a tense state of shock. He met with the despairing gaze of Eiji’s watery eyes, looking as though they’re on the edge of tears. And as his fingers curled into the material of Ash’s shirt, Eiji spat out with all the emotion bubbling from his throat and dripping on each word,

“Despite everything! Ash, regardless of all that, I still want to ride with you! I don’t want to give up that back seat to anyone else!”

Ash stared, wide-eyed. His mouth pressed into a straight line, trembling ever so slightly. Then, he bent forward across the mattress, slowly ushering towards Eiji with his eyes consistently met with his, barely able to break away for a second. And gently, like the handling of glass, Ash lay his hand over Eiji’s.

“Is… that all you want from me?”

“Yes... god, no… no, it’s not.” Eiji struggled with his words, conscious of how close Ash is now, with their knees crossing over and his hand tenderly folding around his palm, “I just, I… I don’t want to see anyone else sitting behind you again. Not again. I want to be the only one. I want to be the only one that’s special to you.”

“Is that all?” Ash asked, barely a whisper. His hand gently cupped the side of Eiji’s face. Warm.

Eiji felt the movement of the Earth shimmering in his eyes. And the destruction of everything he’d ever known as Ash’s thumb cascaded towards his lips.

“Ash… I think, I want to be more than special.”

Ash laced his fingers through Eiji’s, held his face softly, and the room fell away before leaning in to kiss him.

Eiji pulled back, but only slightly. He had to look at him to wonder if Ash even knew what he was doing. What he was really doing… and what it all means… but he looked so sure of himself. With his half-lidded eyes and his kissable mouth, Ash moved forward to kiss him again.

With the frame of Eiji’s face between Ash’s hands, Eiji surrendered entirely as he relaxed into his kiss. Anxiety and joy and fear and thrill seemed to pass between them in the shape of their lips… moving so softly and so slowly against each other like each one was more terrifying to let go of. Eiji could feel Ash using all his strength to be gentle, touching his mouth with the lightest breath as if he was holding back. Because between them, they savoured the air before closing in to kiss again. And the rest of the world disappeared as their thoughts completely silenced and all they felt were their lips and their hands and nothing else ever really mattered.

When the slip of their noses crossed over, Ash gently ran a finger over the ridge of Eiji’s mouth, before boldly parting his lips to lick where he touched. Eiji swallowed a breath.

“Tell me now if you don’t like it.” Ash whispered, his eyes unwavering, “Or I think I might keep going forever.”

It was surely that moment when Eiji’s soul awakened with a passion and excitement that he could only recognise as love. Eiji loved him. Eiji accepted the truth within him that he fell in love with Ash Lynx. And it felt as if he breathed his answer, “I think I could want this forever.”

After that, Eiji tipped back against the wall as he felt Ash lean over him. Then they came together again, and the world made perfect sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick word of warning: the next chapter will include mature themes that will change the rating from Teen to Mature audiences. Please be cautious while going on ahead! No triggers; just sexy fluff, drama and angst. That said, thank you for reading so far!


	6. It Used To Be So Intense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The rating for this work has gone up from Teen to Explicit for contents of a sexual nature.

Eiji expected Ash Lynx to be more urgent with his kisses. The moment Eiji had been pushed against the wall, with Ash’s hands cradling the frame of his face, he’d pull them together to press his lips softly over Eiji’s mouth. Though the atmosphere became heated, Eiji could feel Ash elongate every movement of his lips over his. He seemed focused, with an intensity to keep a pace that captured every slow breath that Eiji made. He was reserved, by taking him in as steadily as a sigh, but he made it feel so sweet… sweeter than sugar.

The graze of Ash’s fingertips lightly touched over the stretch of Eiji’s jawline, and gently tipped him aside to press his lips completely over Eiji’s. They breathed the same breath then. Quietened moans sounded from their throats. Ash gently parted his lips, nudging Eiji’s open, and licked the slit where his tongue lay hiding. A mixture of nerves and desire, Eiji trembled so slightly as he met him in the middle… and touched his tongue against his own. Ash’s hands gathered up Eiji’s body to hold against him, moving their lips closer together, until they pierced inside their mouths into a deeper, more invasive kiss.

Eiji squeezed his eyes shut, overcome from the unfamiliar sensation of it all. It was as though his breath had been drawn from his throat, gasping for air in between each controlled kiss, startling himself by the sound of his erratic heartbeat ripping through his eardrums. A heat like a furnace boiled over his skin, not just from the blush that had captured his face, but everywhere… a heat like he’d never felt had lit every particle of his body… leaving nowhere unaffected.

And Ash’s kisses were so long. Eiji was breathless from each and every one. His eyes, half-lidded and vacant, would open once or twice and look into the affectionate gaze of the boy he loved. Ash’s brilliantly emerald eyes - curtained by soot-black lashes - his neon lit skin, and his marble perfect face drawn out a muted moan from Eiji’s throat. There was almost an awkwardness fleshed into tenderness as Ash broke his motions to brush his cheek against Eiji’s, caressing his lips into butterfly kisses against Eiji’s raven hair, so lovingly, so affectionately.

“Ash…”

“Hmm.” He breathed against Eiji’s ear, before lowering his hands to his neck.

Ash moved like enjoyed every second of tracing the curves and the structure of Eiji’s form, bringing his fingertips to tenderly feel the shape of his body, and slowing down to an extraordinarily destructive pace as he felt Eiji shiver beneath his touch. Leaning forward, Ash brought the stretch of Eiji’s legs to bend over Ash’s lap, forcing Eiji to slide further down the wall with his crotch sat right on top of Ash’s. The burst of a completely new and embarrassing heat rose from the pit of his soul to fire sensational endorphins all the way to the tips of Eiji’s fingers.

Eiji choked on a gasp. “Ah… Ash…”

Every heart-string in his chest had been tugged. Eiji’s erratic breathing became hollow. The loose shirt he wore had caught on the wall. When he’d slid down so slightly, it revealed his bare hipbones protruding above the hem of his jeans. Ash looked at Eiji with a flash of laden desire, suppressing the urge to gulp. His hands smoothly curved around Eiji’s shoulders, pushing the sleeves of his jacket away, all whilst his eyes traced his naked stomach with the question falling from his mouth,

“Is it okay if I touch you there?”

Eiji had clasped his hands over his mouth in a vain attempt to keep his voice down, as he desperately wanted to moan every single time a pleasant shiver sprang throughout his form. Ash affected him so easily to make him feel it often. It was every time he felt the gentleness of Ash’s fingers, his movements, his palm curving to shape around Eiji’s parts, getting to know every physical bit of him in the most intimate ways. It provoked Eiji to nod, permitting him to go further. And they delved deeper into passionate territories as Ash curled his body round, and pressed his mouth against the sensitive curve of Eiji’s neck, as his fingertips snaked across Eiji’s hipbones to feel up his shirt.

“Ah, ahh…” Eiji called out through the gaps of his fingers. Yet, despite being startled, he made for more room as he tilted his head back and stretched his neck, inviting him further, to which Ash lapped his tongue there, biting and kissing and licking and making Eiji tremble and succumb to how it all felt. Ash pushed Eiji’s shirt up his chest, relentlessly urging the strokes of his hands over Eiji’s torso until he instinctively arched his back… pushing himself closer into Ash’s grasp.

Eiji’s eyes fluttered open, unable to believe how he was responding. Everything about that moment was horrendously embarrassing and nothing like he’d ever experienced before, but his mind was no longer in control of any of this… instead, he gave in to the cries of his heart, his melting body, and the overwhelming happiness that sentenced him to paradise.

Suddenly, Eiji flinched as Ash let his hands fall to the belt around Eiji’s jeans. He traced the buckle, then idly fingered the apparent bulging fabric just below it. He glanced up at Eiji through heavy-lidded eyes.

“Are you turned on?”

Eiji covered his face with his hands, completely red all over, “D-Did you really just ask me that?”

“Aren’t you just feeling shy, cute Japanese boy?” Ash joked, with the utmost tender tone brushing against his ear as Ash leant forward to kiss his temple.

Eiji voiced his only coherent thought, “...don’t call me that.”

“Hm? Cute?”

“Yes.”

“You’re beautiful, then.” Ash spoke as though he’d become drunk on giving Eiji affection. The light and feathery kisses he trailed from the top of his head, to the sweep of his neck, to his exposed chest only further proved how far gone Ash was. And Eiji loved him all the more. Eiji couldn’t attribute anything else that he felt cultivating in his chest other than the boundless love that Ash drawn out of him.

“You’re beautiful, too…” Eiji managed, only a blurb of his feelings. And Ash smiled.

“You’re getting me excited. Here, get under the covers. I’ll be right back.” Ash prompted then, and pulled the blanket over Eiji’s body as he carefully slipped from under Eiji’s legs.

Eiji watched him confusedly, adjusting his position. He sat with the covers pulled up to his wet lips, plump and slightly off-colour from how much they kissed. But the heat hadn’t died down at all. Eiji squeezed his legs together, feeling anxiously hot and bothered underneath his clothes. He already had his jacket shrugged off, but the rest of what he was wearing had sweat right through. Desperately he wanted to shed them, but he waited diligently for Ash to return in rampant longing.

He’d disappeared to the bathroom on the far end of the room, though the door had been cracked open askew, Eiji could just about make out Ash looking through his cabinet in search for something. When he’d finally found what he’d been looking for, he emerged out the room with a bottle of hand lotion in one hand. Eiji flushed fiercely.

“I thought you’d…”

Ash took a sip of water for a moment. “You thought I what?”

“I thought you left, ‘cause… you weren’t into it any more, or something. I don’t know, I got anxious…”

Fervently, Ash climbed back on to the bed and leant on his knees, lifting his arms to take off his shirt.

“I said I’d be right back. Just had to find… you know. I guess hand lotion will work.” Ash said, tossing his shirt to the ground. Then he pinned Eiji down by one arm with barely any force. They just sank together and lay horizontally against the mattress with Eiji’s head hitting the soft pillows and his hands thrown over his head. Wide-eyed, Eiji felt burnt by Ash’s hands pressed over his stomach, as he asked, “Is it okay if I undress you?”

Eiji was struck by how gentle Ash was being with him. He asked permission, he took his time, he let Eiji have full control despite being the submissive one beneath him. It made the more vulnerable moments much less scary, and instead a lot more meaningful. Eiji wondered if he’s done this with people before, and if so, how many? Eiji figured he’s too good-looking not to have fooled around at least once…

Ash Lynx; the cool and beautiful leader of his own biker gang. His muscular torso coated in a split of neon indigo and magenta, yet his intense eyes still glistened that sage green colour that made Eiji yearn for him. Staring into those eyes affirmed the immovable fact that Eiji loved him madly. But in Eiji’s mind, Ash was too ethereal… too far from his own world to be reached… and the looming thought came to him that something like this wouldn’t ever happen again…

Ash lifted Eiji’s shirt above his head, and pulled it away to drop it idly on to the floor, completely dismissing its existence. He came back to kissing him, with his hand burying in Eiji’s jet-black hair, twisting strands around his fingers in unison to the movement of his mouth, inviting his tongue to duel before breaking apart to kiss every part of his face. Ash left no space untouched before softly grazing the ridge of his lips down Eiji’s neck, towards his naked collarbone, moving towards his chest…

Without realising it, Eiji had clawed his hands around Ash’s bare back, pulling him closer to his body as though he couldn’t let go, and pressed his face into Ash’s gorgeous blonde hair. His lips pouted, yielding to the urge to kiss him for as long as he could, as if he’d been wanting to all this time. Until he sharply sucked air through his teeth as Ash kissed around Eiji’s sensitive nipples, gently moulding his lips around the most responsive parts, forcing a throaty moan out of Eiji that made his toes curl.

“Ah… there, Ash… it feels good…”

Ash’s eyebrow twitched. Eiji seemed to wrap his mouth around his name like velvet. He’d held Eiji to him then by taking hold of Eiji’s torso, and lifted him up into an arch as he kissed and bit and sucked that one receptive spot that made Eiji’s head spin. It made him forget everything in that moment. Eiji couldn’t form a coherent thought long enough to remember his own name, or who it was that was making him feel this way. All he knew was his love had scathed Eiji’s untouched skin with a visible bite mark on his chest, and Eiji felt the lower half of him respond. Eiji was annihilated by nerves wrecking his body into a trembling mess, but at his very core, a hot and heady feeling was building and forming… into something so powerful that Eiji knew he wouldn’t be the same afterwards.

And to have Ash looking up at him with a vacant gaze, holding him close and wanting him, Eiji felt he belonged there. He just couldn’t shake the thought that all of this was one-sided. Turning his face to bury it in the pillow, the thought had terrified him to insanity.

Finally, Ash lead his trail of kisses to the hem of Eiji’s jeans. His fingers teased over the belt, but stopped short of going any further as Ash levelled his eyes to him.

“Eiji. If at any point it gets too much for you, tell me to stop and I will. Okay?”

Eiji honestly didn’t know how he really felt about this. Everything seemed to go in a pace that was too unfamiliar. What was normal? What was acceptable? Having never been with a man or woman before, Eiji couldn’t even begin figuring out his sexual orientation… when the only thing Eiji was certain of was that he loved him. This love that would drain him and cling to him and kill him and devour the remains. It wasn’t a sensible love where he’d thought about it or considered it. This love burst out of its roots and made itself known… because it was there for a long time, scorched in the depths of him waiting for its moment.

So how could Eiji know what was right or wrong for him to do? He knew what he wanted, but what would it mean? He knew who he loved, but where would it go? This maddening love that twisted Eiji’s brain, making him believe left is right and up is down… how could it be trusted? There was too much uncertainty… too much pressure, too much doubt, too much in the way to see a light in the darkness.

But it wasn’t enough to sway him from what was happening. Eiji took hold of the sides of Ash’s head, softly pushing loose strands out of his face that flushed so bright with colour, and told him honestly,

“I trust you, Ash. More than anyone else.” He whispered with a shaky smile, “So, um… will you touch me now?”

Ash let out a laugh. But it wasn’t unkind. He laughed because it was a response he’d expected from Eiji - endlessly surprising and adorably bold. Ash was in awe of him.

But what Ash didn’t know was that Eiji wanted to cling on to this moment for as long as he could. Because if there was uncertainty in a future together, Eiji knew that at least this moment would last forever in his memories. He could be special to Ash there. He could be more than special in the closest and most intimate way possible, losing themselves and melting in each other’s arms… even if it was just this once. To feel this happiness, to keep him close in his heart, for this to last a lifetime in his heart… Eiji overcame all bouts of embarrassment and let himself sink in this pleasure.

Ash rolled down Eiji’s boxers and felt him tense. Eiji had virtually burst into flames the moment he’d been exposed. With both hands covering the heat of his blush, Eiji shivered. Humiliation took hold of his form as he lay practically bare beneath Ash, who’d tenderly kissed the length of Eiji’s erection to assure him that everything was okay. The more he’d kissed, the more Eiji came to relax. And a sigh passed his lips as he fell into a calm where his breathing would draw out more heavily. Ash made him feel wanted, and he made him feel safe… then he made him feel hot, and a scorching fire lit from within. When he’d thought his confidence would shatter if it came to this, Eiji found himself cut open where Ash came to kiss the wound. Was this his love? Eiji wondered. But his mind had garbled as there was no control of his own body.

Intense pleasure came in its place. A whole new kind of temperature boiled the blood through Eiji’s body. Ash melted his lips around Eiji’s cock, reaching for the bottle of lotion to pour over his hands before running his liquid fingers over the base of Eiji’s erection. A silenced moan escaped his lips, hanging open from the intensity of this unparalleled new feeling.

“God… Ash… wh-what, oh…”

This breathy reply urged Ash to lower his pants and free himself in turn. Eiji could barely focus as his whole being was succumbing to the ecstasy stirring in his core, but something red hot and heavy poured blood to his hardening cock at the sight of Ash touching himself, and licking the length of Eiji’s shaft in unison. It was the most erotic thing he’d seen in his life. Eiji had seen an array of expressions on Ash’s face, but this was the first he’d seen him contorted in pleasure, looking as though giving Eiji head was the sole reason Ash had been overcome with arousal. It took so much strength for Eiji to hold back from coming already… he’d jerked beneath him from how intensely he shuddered.

But Ash was pumping harder and faster. His tongue curled around the sensitive tip of Eiji’s cock, over and over, grasping him with his throat in sync with the pace of his own masturbation. Eiji bit into the pillow. Helpless beneath him. Writhing and moaning. A warmth that had been building from his core soon pierced through him. With his eyes half-lidded and stuck on Ash worshipping him. It’s possibly the most desirable image Eiji would ever see. He breathed heavily, giving his life and love to him in a wordless gasp.

Suddenly, like he’d given in to some predatory instinct, Ash bolted forward to capture Eiji’s lips with his. They crashed together, flesh digging into flesh, an array of heady emotions fiercely on the edge of absolute euphoria. Ash’s cock slipped over Eiji’s shaft and he rubbed them together between his rapid fingers, pumping savagely as his hips dragged against his in agonisingly stagnant movements. Eiji swore he plunged into madness. No sense in his body had ever felt that good before. Discovering the violent pleasure of someone else’s hot skin sensually pressed against him felt like an out-of-body experience. Like shedding the skin of innocence and being born anew, dirtied by the sin of pure sexual desire. Eiji felt older, maturer, wiser… weaker, sicker, human.

He’d pulled on Ash’s hair as his whole body rolled, bucking his erection in a slow and gradual rhythm against Ash’s.

“Shit, Eiji… ugh, cum with me…”

An ache in Eiji’s core poured to his throbbing cock, as though Ash had commanded it then. Bouts of intense euphoria shattered every particle in his body as Eiji came, melting like snow thrown to a fire.

“Ah! Ahh… Ash!” Eiji had drawled out his voice as he choked on a sharp gasp. Cum spilt into pools onto their stomachs. The garble of Eiji’s name fell from Ash’s mouth as he’d been pushed to cum right after. Riding the waves of pleasure, they’d tensed and become lost in a fog of intoxication.

Eiji shuddered deliciously, skin-on-skin. He’d stared in awe at the man who’d brought him there, to the point of no return. To the pearly gates of Heaven itself. Eiji brought his lips to Ash’s ear, softly moulding his mouth around his lobe, and biting down to claim him. Like he wanted to from the very beginning. Ash lay limp over Eiji’s body, before entrapping him with his arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him close… burying his face in his hair… breathing in his perspiring scent.

The erratic pace of his heartbeat hadn’t slowed down from the adrenaline. Fluttering endorphins leftover from their climax had lit every part of their bodies alight, making every stray movement more sensitive than the last. Eiji could swear that moment he felt he’d become one with him. Every breath, every sensation, every physical part had manifested Plato’s theory that every person had been attached to their soulmate before being split into two by the wrath of Zeus. It was a flattering concept. Eiji clung on to it. Desperate to elongate the feeling for as long as he could.

Until Ash reached down, idly letting his hand lightly run over the sensitive skin of his thighs, his shaft, his balls, drawing every last moan he could from Eiji’s mouth before the tips of his fingers ventured to go lower…

Eiji shivered; still his body cried out for more. His flushed face was vacant and radiating from the come down of an unforgettable climax. But suddenly, alarm yanked him from his drunken state. Ash had only touched over his entrance and Eiji recoiled in fear.

“No! Ash, wait! Wait!”

He’d shifted from under him and grabbed Ash’s wrist. It looked as though Ash had returned to his own corporeal form as his eyes flew open, suddenly snapped back to consciousness. He froze, staring into Eiji’s eyes. Panic seized his gaze for a moment. Then, he realised how he’d reacted and worried how Ash might’ve taken it. Had he been hurt by it? Quickly, Eiji grabbed hold of his shoulders,

“I… I mean! It’s not that I don’t want… I guess, um… oh, God… I’m sorry--”

Ash took his hand then, and laced his fingers through his.

“Don’t say sorry. There’s nothing to apologise for. You’re not ready. That’s okay.”

He’d brought Eiji’s hand to his lips and kissed him, softly, lingering there for good measure.

‘I love you I love you I love you I love you’

Eiji felt as though the words had been written across his forehead. With the way Eiji looked at him then, it was as if his heart lived in the glimmer of his eyes, begging to confess those words he’d long to say. Ash caressed his palm around the shape of Eiji’s face, stroking away the loose tears from his skin - those tears that’d been squeezed out of him at the height of climax. Eiji felt a fiery blush careening over his cheeks. And Ash smiled at him with a rare warmth in his eyes that he’d reserve for a favoured few.

Then, Ash hid away into the crook of Eiji’s neck, nuzzling beneath his chin, and sighed as he wrapped his arms around his waist. Completely naked side by side. Soul to soul.

Eiji died in that moment. He knew that he laid his heart to rest there, frozen in time for the remainder of his life. Never had he imagined Ash Lynx to be the little spoon. He was younger, but he never let that show. He’d relaxed his shoulders, his muscles, his everything… bundled into Eiji’s body like he wanted to fall into him. So pure, so lovable.

Eiji took his head in his hands and pressed Ash’s ear to his chest, as though his heartbeat spoke a hundred silent words. He loved him like he’d been made only for love. He didn’t fall in love; he plummeted in love. Falling implied that he would get back up afterwards. Eiji felt as though he’d broken from the impact.

As Ash’s breathing hollowed and lulled to a sleep, Eiji pulled him up close. Mouth pressed to his hair. And the most beautiful paradox occurred; though they were together, Eiji felt tremendously alone. Laying in the afterglow of the purest expression of love - sweat in neon lighting - Eiji’s anxious thoughts and heavy heart returned to take back his body. Reason was silenced while Eiji surrendered to pleasure, but now it ruled again with a ruthless grudge, spoiling his temporary happiness. Outside that apartment was a world waiting for them with separate paths. Before Eiji invaded his life, there was a role that Ash had to play. For his gang, his position as leader was paramount. Eiji grieved already for those warm-green jewels in his eyes, now that they’d been closed, as he’d ushered a silent farewell.

But for five more minutes… he lay motionlessly together, naked in form and soul, as he stored this moment in his ghostly heart.

* * *

 

Only a touch of the sun had broken over the horizon when Ash woke up. Splayed out on his bed, covers unkempt over his body, with his fluttering eyes faced towards the indigo-tinted windowpane. He tensed his muscles, stretching out for a moment, and stroked his face to feel small whiskers speckled over his jawline.

But when he’d moved to turn his head and rise up from the mattress… he felt nothing but emptiness beside him.

“Eiji?” He called, only to be met with the sight of lone darkness covering the pools of discarded clothes he’d left to the floor. And in its wake, the relentlessly painful silence echoing back at him.


	7. It Used To Be So...

_Present day…_

 

Eiji’s shift starts in the afternoon. He’s on until the evening once again. And he’ll be the last one to close up. He wakes up that day after a vivid dream, recalling that one blazing night he spent with Ash. He was so lucid in that dream that he could still feel Ash’s scorching hands grazing down his body. It’s like torture to remember it so physically. Ash touched his soul and shattered it. These dreams are simply fragments of the long-lasting aftermath. It’s a horrendous thing to realise… how Eiji might’ve loved him for much longer than loving him while he knew him. It just shows the truth of the impact Ash had; like a meteor leaving a crater.

Whether it’s due to the dream he had that night, or how Ash’s presence always seems to follow him home after every shift… factors from every direction came to play as Eiji’s memories cling to him as fiercely as ever. All he could do for the moment, though, is catch the subway train to his next impending shift. Where Ash will be.

* * *

 

__One year ago…_ _

__

Eiji dropped out of college. Somewhere down the line, over the last strenuous four years, Eiji just stopped progressing in his pole vaulting and hit an impenetrable mental roadblock. Once it was apparent that he might not improve above his current level, Eiji gave in to pressure. He slowly stopped showing up for classes. His interests drastically shifted, along with his mood. Other athletes could sense it from him. Eiji had changed. And it changed to the point where his heart was no longer into jumping. Instead, he’d picked up a new hobby; introduced by an older family friend, Ibe, Eiji delved into professional photography.

Though Eiji had left behind the pole vault - the reason he came to New York in the first place - he didn’t feel like he missed it all that much. His time doing pole vault seemed like an eternity ago. He looked back on it like it was something he’d done in a past life. What concerned him then was where he was at that moment. And where to go from there.

For the time being, he was staying in shared accommodation with Ibe, and helped him with some odd journalist jobs doing photography around the city. Ibe taught him all the tips and tricks that came with perfecting the craft, and Eiji caught a taste for it. There was something about the way he could capture a moment in a picture, and embody it as a physical memory that placed importance for the subject… or have it represent a time in his life where he could look back on the shot, and invoke emotions. That was always the part that intrigued him - the reactions drawn out from seeing a memory in a single stilled image. Just a second in time, and the flood of emotions that accompanied this memory would overwhelm him.

He felt it even in photographs that would simply resemble a precious memory. One particular day, it had been when Eiji joined Ibe to help with a commission to photograph a motorcycle event down-town. Eiji felt intensely overcome by all the familiar emotions they invoked. There was a cosmic sense of deja vu as he walked into the crowded event, littered with bikes and like-minded people, surrounded by stalls in gazebos, which always brought back familiar smells and familiar sounds from all those years ago…

Eiji took photos with an outsider’s eye; capturing the moment people would look over each bike, then by taking their shot, he’d immortalise their excited chatter as they enthused their shared passions amongst themselves. But he couldn’t help feeling out of place around them as he overhead conversations he couldn’t keep up with. Again, deja vu smothered him. Eiji often had to retreat to a safe space, usually on the sidelines, just out of reach from the whole scene.

It wasn’t lost on him that this place reminded him so sourly of Ash, and even more so of his gang. The fact of the matter was… Eiji had to eventually admit to himself… that he was stuck in that past. Undeniably so. When he left behind his heart with Ash, he lay it to rest in his bed when he walked out of his apartment doors. All this time apart and Eiji felt himself change as a person as days came to months and months turned into years… he’d been moulded from the ground up into a person with a frozen heart, beginning from the trauma of leaving behind his first love.

Scenes like those motorcycle events brought it to light much more directly. Every other day just seemed like a lucid daze, unable to acknowledge how to move forward in his life. Eiji opened up to Ibe about it, minus the messy details around Ash, who then suggested he accompany him on his jobs as his personal photographer. Eiji was endlessly grateful for his concern. Eiji was eager to use this as a stepping stone towards healing. But, as he gathered from the feelings he endured that day, it was clear to him that these strong emotions would always be with him. Although the pain had dulled to a level he could bear… it was still there. Eiji was convinced that it’d always be there. No love as strong as he felt for Ash could ever be erased or bandaged. Eiji sighed, having to accept that.

When suddenly, as Eiji had laid down his camera to rest, a voice called from nearby,

“Eiji! Holy shit, Eiji! Is that you?”

He turned his head, and caught the image of a large figure approaching him from the distance. Eiji had no idea who it was at first, because he didn’t recognise anyone he personally knew who had a bald head and the build of a bodyguard. It wasn’t until Eiji could look past the large fur-collared leather jacket to recognise that familiar style of sunglasses, with the absence of a face piercing through the corner of his eyebrow.

“Sh-Shorter!” Eiji spluttered, fumbling to his feet.

It took him a moment to process his sudden appearance. Of course it would make sense for him to be there, considering what kind of environment they were in, but that wasn’t what frightened him. Eiji hesitated for a moment, even took a slight step back, as Shorter held out his arms for a wide and friendly hug. His smile was as big as Eiji could remember from way back when. But Eiji couldn’t help associate meeting him with the direct confrontation of the past he was stuck in… of the past Eiji paradoxically wanted to leave behind, but also return to.

Even so, Eiji couldn’t deny him that hug. Shorter brought himself to Eiji’s height and wrapped his arms around him with such a strength that lifted him off the ground. Eiji almost slapped his arms around Shorter’s back. There was always a strong connection between them that every lasting friendship holds true. Immediately, Eiji was glad to see him again. Whether the circumstances were sudden, whether or not he was ready to face him again… Eiji just felt so much happiness from the base of his throat to see him again. There was a friendship there that they both earned, with the kind of love and respect that comes with the memory of good times shared together… at least, mostly good times.

Shorter pulled back, but still held on to Eiji’s shoulders. He looked the man up and down to assess the noticeable change in Eiji’s aura, as well as physical appearance.

He had to state the obvious, “Your hair’s grown.”

“And your hair’s gone!”

“Touché.” They laughed then. Shorter patted his shoulder a few times, but didn’t let go. They were both smiling at each other for a second - a mixture of amazement and wonder at all the years gone by. Then, Shorter had to ask, “What’re you doing in a place like this, eh?”

“Oh… it’s for, uh… I’m helping a friend photograph the event for a magazine.”

“Really? That’s cool of you to do that. You got time between your pole vaulting to do stuff like this?”

“Oh, wow… you still remember that I used to pole vault…”

“Of course I do! Can’t forget the reason why you’d always run late for our meet-ups.” Shorter’s smile slowly fell away as his voice took on a more serious tone then, “So… you ‘used’ to, huh?”

Eiji shrugged, and anxiously fingered the buttons around his camera. Shorter noticed how uncomfortable he looked about that and retreated accordingly.

“Hey, listen. I don’t want to force anything out of you. It’s not my place to know. Though I’d love to know what you’ve been doing in the past four… is it four? Yeah, four years since I haven’t seen you. Kinda fell off grid for me. I had no clue what happened to you or where you were after you stopped showing up.”

“...didn’t Ash say anything to you?”

“No, well… it was more like he wasn’t willing to. Seemed like there was a lot going on with him to pry too much. Didn’t seem right for me to interfere while he was down.”

Eiji took that comment like a punch to the gut. His face paled, not truly knowing what to do with that information. His eyes glazed, as though dissociating from the moment to process, and Shorter immediately picked up on it. So he stuck a thumb towards a grassy bank nearby and beckoned him.

“Why don’t we sit and talk for a while? Catch up on old times. All that good stuff.”

“Yeah… okay. Sounds good.”

Casually, they wandered over to the quieter area of the event just a short walk away, and climbed up a small hill to perch on a grassy bank just beneath a few maple trees, spotted with auburn colour as autumn was waiting around the corner. Eiji let the camera hang on a strap around his neck as he brought his knees up slightly, and picked a fallen leaf nearby to twirl idly between his thumb and forefinger. They sat in silence for a moment, while Shorter leant back on his hands to stare up at the blue skies, uninhibited by the sunlight penetrating through his sunglasses.

“Can I be honest about something for a moment?” Shorter started.

“Sure. What is it?”

“Well… I wasn’t really ever told why you stopped showing up to our meets. There were speculations amongst the group that Yut-Lung and Lao had pressured you out after that confrontation you both had, y’know, the one you had before you spectacularly left with Ash? Sing told us all how it actually went down, with how they’d basically threatened you to quit and how Ash was the one who lashed out to defend you. They weren’t very well received after that, oh man... Lao and Sing’s relationship was pretty unstable as a result, and Yut-Lung just couldn’t stop running his mouth… it was just pissing us all off, really. We kinda just got tired of it.”

Eiji rested his chin on his knees, with his eyes cast down to the spinning leaf in his fingers. He shown on his face that he was listening, when his eyebrows rose from the small satisfaction that came from knowing Yut-Lung and Lao had to face consequences for their actions. After all these years of choosing to leave Ash and his gang behind, it always felt as if he had dealt with the worst of the events. All this time, he dreaded to wonder what happened with Ash after he’d struck Lao on the back of the head. A substantial weight lifted from his shoulders then, knowing it might not have been as bad as he initially thought.

Shorter continued, “I had my own theory, though. I never told anyone this, but I kind of concluded something all on my own.”

“And what’s that?”

“You know how I found you just now? Out of the way of all the bikes and the crowds of bikers around them? Well, I got a theory that’s because you don’t feel like you belong somewhere like here. Even way back then, even after you got a jacket of your own that officially stated you’re a member, you were still made to believe that you weren’t ever going to be part of us. Everything that Yut-Lung said to you had got to you, didn’t it?”

Eiji blinked a few times. Though he surprisingly found himself feeling a little less fazed about having this said to him than he felt he should’ve been. Maybe, he wondered, because it had been such a long time at that point, the fact no longer bothered him as much as it did.

With a cheeky glance and a half-smile, Eiji replied, “I guess… that’s part of the reason.”

“I always figured.” Shorter nodded, confirming it to himself, and ventured further, “And I think… I have another idea of why you left us. Of why you left Ash.”

That was when Eiji froze. That phrasing immediately put him on edge, and he retreated into himself. As if he was bracing himself.

“Go on, then.” Eiji baited him, and averted his eyes. Afraid of what he’d hear.

“Ash never disclosed with me or Sing or Yut-Lung or anyone about what happened after he took you away that night. But after that, Ash wasn’t the same. Well, he was and he wasn’t. Ash consistently kept up his role of our leader and still acted the part. But everyone could tell. There was a sadness about him. Always a look of longing as he often stared off into nothing. Like he was waiting for something. Always.”

“...stop…”

“I could always tell whenever you two were together that there was something special about your connection to him. About his connection to you. How could I not when you two started conversations amongst yourself, it was as though no one else was around you? I always feared what might come of you two if you were to separate, and those fears came true. Ash was lost without you, Eiji.”

“...don’t...”

“Sing told me that you might’ve loved him.”

Eiji buried his face into his legs as he pulled his knees up to hug them to his chest. But he said nothing. There was no way he could confront how he felt about Ash at that moment, especially out loud. That feeling had been buried so deep inside and so long that it would take so much more effort to ever have to force it out again. Those feelings that had dug so far into his heart was like a splinter. It irritated, and he knew its pain was there, but there’s no way to get it out easily. It would be a dangerous thing to remove it without caution.

“I apologise if I’d been too honest.” Shorter told him gently, leaning forward a little closer, “I figured you ought to know what I’ve been thinking… how I’ve been feeling after all these years. Because no matter the years gone by, you’re my friend, Eiji. But Ash is my friend too. Somehow it doesn’t seem right that I’m the one that got to see you again.”

“I’ve left that part of my life behind, Shorter. The pole vault. You, and those meet-ups… Ash… they might as well be on the other side of the world to me.”

“Didn’t you feel like he already was?”

Eiji winced. “That’s not what I mean.”

“No, seriously… isn’t the feeling similar? Eiji, you always kept yourself at a distance, even back then… back when you didn’t grow out your hair… back when you still had the personality of a cute, naive and cheerful puppy. You got so close to Ash, but you never closed any gaps with him. You always stayed at arm’s length… and look, I’m not meaning to give you a hard time about it, because Ash did the same. It was frustrating to watch the pair of you. Sometimes it was like watching two flustered schoolboys, y’know?”

“That’s funny… I always thought it was one-sided. Ash was always the cooler one. But… we really seemed like that to you? ”

“Made me scared for you. For you, and for Ash. Look how it all ended up. Look where you are now, and Ash…” Shorter paused for a moment, noticing how Eiji was - unintentionally - hanging on to that final word as he drawled it out to contemplate, before retracting his statement, “…well, times have changed. Four years is a long time, after all.”

“Oh. R-Right…”

Shorter glanced at him, one eyebrow raised.

“You really haven’t seen Ash in all that time, huh?”

“Shorter?”

“I guess you didn’t know that Ash disbanded the gang about eight months after you left, then.”

Eiji was… immediately floored.

“Wh-what did you say?”

“Yeah. The whole gang completely broke up in the end. It wasn’t because of you, if you’re thinking that in any way. Interpersonal drama was causing an upset which started a general, uh… bad atmosphere, you know what I mean? People got sick of it and started to leave, while others just began to grow out of it… everyone went on to the next stages in their lives. That included Ash.”

“That’s… r-really, eight months?”

Eiji didn’t know how to process it. In his mind, the prospect of the gang falling apart didn’t even occur to him. Not in the least in the past few years. He’d convinced himself that Ash was probably doing great without Eiji to hold him back. It was so concrete in his mind that Ash would be roaming, not just New York, but the streets of America on a fantastical journey on a dream-like cross-country bike ride. That’s where he envisioned Ash to be… somewhere so far out of reach, and living the life to the fullest, with his back seat filled by someone new…

Shorter interrupted Eiji’s descent into troubled thoughts,

“It wasn’t a big deal, really. Ash seemed more than ready to move on with his life. It felt like he was holding on to it for a bit longer than necessary, so no one really questioned it. Seemed like the natural process at the time.” Shorter explained, and met Eiji’s eyes to search within them, “Can I venture a guess to say it was the same with you and pole vaulting?”

“Well… yeah. In a way. At a certain point, it just didn’t seem like something I’d want to pursue any more. Either because I felt like I changed too much as a person, or I just lost interest in it. I suppose, yeah… it was sort of the same… as Ash.”

“You guys really are something.” Shorter couldn’t help smiling then, finding the humour in all his hunches he’d had in them previously. Then, he asked, “Is taking pictures your new passion now? Seems a lot less physically demanding, at least.”

“It’s good, actually. I’m really getting into it! And… I think I do want to pursue it more as a career. Ibe… ah, the guy I’m working with, is letting me help out with a few jobs for a small pay-check in return. But it’s not enough to keep living here forever. I have to consider full-time employment soon if I want to stay in New York. And I’ve fallen too hard in love with the city now, it’s too late for me to accept moving back to Japan. It’s just, it’s really expensive here.”

“Don’t I know it. That’s why I’ve pursued what I’m great at for full-time work. Selling bike parts, modding gear at events… I guess I’m the only one that didn’t really move on, huh?”

Eiji looked at him with the smallest, genuine and meaningful smile, “It’s great that you’re doing something that you enjoy, Shorter.”

“... you still got that positive-radiating personality in you, Eiji. I knew it was hiding in there somewhere. You worried me at first with how… well, mature you’ve become. Mature is the right word. I’ll be honest, the way you’ve been holding yourself all this time, like you’re reverting into yourself in a kinda insecure way, is making me want to pick you up and hug you again. Don’t let the weight of the world drag you down too much. Alright? You’re a bright and shining figure that this world needs.”

“Feels like I should be saying the same thing to you. I’ve always thought you were, Shorter. You’re just… you’re a real pal for reaching out to me like this.”

“Aw… flatter me more, man!” Shorter laughed boisterously as he laid an arm around Eiji’s shoulders, “Though, I won’t lie. I did have some ulterior motives when I asked if we could talk for a bit.”

“Did you? Like what?”

Shorter smiled, though his mouth looked a little strained, “I’m just a nosey geezer. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh c’mon! Feels like you’re leading me on to something there!”

“You’ve always been easy to tease, Eiji.” Shorter nudged him with an elbow, before climbing back up to his feet, “Well, I best get back. You too, you’ve got a job to do. Take plenty of pictures of me working hard, okay? I need some good exposure for a raise.”

Eiji grinned just as widely, “I’ll have to think about that, unless… you willing to pay me?”

“I’ll take it up with your man Ibe.” Shorter snorted before walking off, “And while I’m at it, I’ll ask him for your phone number! You won’t disappear so easily this time, Eiji!”

* * *

 

The nexy day, about early afternoon, Eiji joined Ibe in their shared dark room as they developed the photos Eiji took to print. The job went ahead well, and Eiji reflected on his time with Shorter positively as a good experience. He was in a pretty cheerful mood as he pressed the prints to water. Not even slight chemical burns on his fingers could put a damper his day.

But then, he felt his phone silently vibrate in his pocket. Eiji let it ring for the time being, figuring he could just call them back later, before Ibe heard the sound and interrupted.

“You gonna answer that?”

“Well, I don’t know who’s gonna be calling me right now…”

“You have parents, don’t you? What if it’s them calling you?” Ibe, the family friend, said as he ushered Eiji away, “Go outside and answer it, I’ll take over.”

Eiji was already out the door with phone in hand before he even realised it. He figured then, why not, answer the phone and get back to work. It won’t take too long, whatever it might be. Eiji wandered down the empty corridor and rounded a corner where it was more quiet.

Then he answered, “Hello?”

Silence answered him back. Eiji checked the phone to make sure he hadn’t just missed the call. But no, he definitely answered.

He tried again, “Hello? Is there someone there? Did our signal break?”

Again, silence. Figuring this had to be an automated call or a scam, Eiji impatiently said into the receiver,

“Alright, well I’m hanging up now--”

“Hey… Eiji.”

He nearly dropped his phone. Eiji’s eyes widened as far as they could go. And he swore he almost stopped breathing.

“It’s been a while, Eiji.” Ash said. His voice the same as it had always been. Low. Cool. Unrelenting.

“...how did you get this number?”

“Shorter gave it to me last night…” He paused mid-way, before adding a little awkwardly, “…he told me that he saw you yesterday, and I asked him if he got your number. Don’t get angry with him or anything. I basically talked him into giving it to me. The guy… he’s a soft heart.”

“Yeah… he is…”

The pit of Eiji’s stomach was flipping horrendously. He slammed his back against the wall in the corridor, leaning on it as though his legs were about to give way. Sweat and heartbeats and breaths accelerated and slowed and fluctuated in the midst of all the adrenaline. Every gut feeling he had was telling him to hang up. Every blinding flash in his mind was screaming that this was dangerous. But nothing could’ve prepared him for this. As sudden as Ash returned, the harder his presence had fell down on him… with the realization he’d kept so deep inside for so long…

‘Oh God. I still have feelings for you.’

There was an unbearable pause between them before Ash finally spoke up.

“Shorter told me you’re in need of full-time work.”

“I am.”

“Do you still remember my shop?” Ash asked. Eiji swallowed a gasp. “Come here. Work for me.”

Eiji lifted a hand to his mouth. Desperately attempting to hide his shuddering deep breaths from brushing over the receiver. There was no way he wanted Ash to know how conflicted he was. There was no way he’d show how affected he still was by him. He wasn’t ready. Not in that instance. Not when the fear of opening up what’s written across his suspended heart threatens a pain he couldn’t imagine. Four years of tears grow in his throat and beg to break out.

“Eiji. Please, come…”

In the end, Eiji just couldn’t refuse. He never could. Not to Ash. Anyone but Ash.


	8. But Now...

Now here he is. Six years after meeting him, and one year after that phone call, Eiji finds himself employed by the man he loves. Working directly below the room he left his heart in.

The wall-mounted clock in Ash’s shop feels as though it’s moving in slow motion. All throughout his shift, Eiji keeps glancing at it to check how long is left of the day. It seems to move at a snail’s pace, wrecking Eiji’s nerves as he counts some seconds aloud. Never has a day gone as slow as this. It’s almost agonising, but the pressure is slowly getting to him.

Eiji fidgets behind the counter, every now and again tending to the odd customer. But he makes amateur mistakes with the cash register. His anxiousness is making him prey tonight. He has to mentally tell himself to just keep going and keep going as he puts up with an upset customer about not getting the cash back that he asked for. The problem is easily rectified, but the amount of unnecessary abuse Eiji has to endure from it is scathing in a way that he can’t handle well. On any other day, Eiji would’ve been just mildly irritated by it. Other days, he can just laugh about it. But this day in particular isn’t one where he can do either. It feels like a knot is tied in his stomach. And his emotions feel more sensitive than ever before.

Near the end of the night, all of the staff finish and go home. Eiji is left to handle the final hour of the graveyard shift. Though a few customers come in for a few odd things, this hour of the night is usually very dead. It’s during this hour that Eiji feels the most restless. Not once did he see Ash throughout the entirety of his shift. Not once did he see the back door that lead up to Ash’s apartment open an inch, indicating if he’s coming downstairs that day, or indicating if he’s upstairs at all. For all Eiji knows, Ash might’ve skipped town for a while… or he could be at someone else’s place…

No. Eiji erases this thought from his mind. He knows that if Ash is seeing someone, at least one of the staff would have noticed and said something. Eiji’s co-workers are all so adamant that they’ve never seen his door open at all, let alone if it’s been opened for anyone else. And Eiji doesn’t remember seeing Ash inviting anyone in, at least while he’s been on shift. He’s fairly certain that Ash isn’t in a relationship. In the year that he’s worked there, the only person he’s seen go through that back door is Ash. Only Ash… and Eiji from five years ago.

Finally, only ten minutes left of his shift. Spits of rain hit against the windows. Time had crawled so painfully slow. Eiji looks to the door sealed shut at the back while he begins locking up. There’s no sounds coming from behind it. Eiji pauses for a moment before hanging up the keys, but feels no sudden presence come from that old door frame. Fleeting stabs of disappointment slice at his stomach as he fetches his bag and shrugs it over his shoulder. Not once has he been able to see Ash. That long-lasting yearning for him is cruel. It reminds Eiji as he exits the store, locking the front door behind him, that he’s stuck in a time frame he can’t easily escape from. It’s an unbearable reality.

Then, as he turns to the side-walk… a gut punch. There’s Ash Lynx. Leaning his arm against the vending machine out front. His arm lifted up over his head, pushing his blonde hair forward, sweeping over one half of his face. His hair appears to be a dirtier blonde from having caught the rain. And still, he’s ever a picture of a model. His eyes as piercing as always. A killer shade of emerald.

He stares Eiji, who looks taken aback to confront him so suddenly. But his walls are immediately up. Ash can’t see past Eiji’s exterior that looks too hurt to show much emotion. Eiji’s dark eyes are distant, as if they’re emptied of feeling. He can’t allow them to. His lips form an immovable line, as the sunken edges of his mouth show no trace of the smile that Ash came to know.

It pains Ash that he hasn’t been able to see it at all… not once since Eiji came to work here.

Ash fills the tense air then, and asks, “Done with your shift?”

“Yeah. Just locked up.” Eiji replies, and hesitates to ask, “You… just come home?”

“Was visiting my brother. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him so it took up the whole day.”

“Oh. Right.”

Eiji uncomfortably shifts the bag on his shoulder. Ash notices him fidget. He drops his arm from the vending machine… and tries a different approach.

“You taking the subway home again?”

“Yeah. Always do.”

“Even though it’s so dangerous at this time of night.”

Eiji feels the sting of familiarity with this conversation.

“What else am I gonna do? Can’t take a ride on your back seat any more. Haven’t seen you ride a bike at all since I started working here...”

Eiji can’t place the reason why he finally brings this up. Possibly because of the tension from thinking about the sealed back door, and how much he wanted to see it open for him that night… possibly because of how much he’s been reminiscing about their past, resulting in the dream he had the night before, and how recent he relived the traumatic moment of his voluntarily separation from Ash… possibly a culmination of all these lingering feelings that has ceased to leave him alone in all the years since then… Eiji can’t pinpoint the trigger that’s making him so loose-lipped. But it feels like enough’s enough. Everything comes to a head eventually. And at this point, Eiji feels like he’s about ready to fall apart.

Ash takes steps towards Eiji, trapping him in the entranceway of the store. He stares down at Eiji, looking directly at the man’s face, who in turn refuses to look back at him. Eiji’s gaze is cast to the floor. He daren’t meet Ash’s eyes. He doesn’t know what might happen if he does.

“I haven’t ridden a bike in years. All this time I’ve been wondering when you’d ask me that…” Ash suddenly says. Eiji’s aghast. Never has he heard that kind of defeated tone of voice fall from Ash’s lips. Eiji refuses to let it show, but he’s shaken inside. Ash leans a hand against the wall behind Eiji, and brings his head forward as though he’s doubling over. Eiji freezes. Ash is hovering beside his ear, as his forehead touches against the wall, and his voice deepens to a rough murmur, “I think I’ve become too impatient, Eiji.”

“...what do you mean?”

Ash pauses, and reluctantly pulls back. “I’ve been… wanting to talk to you. For so long.”

“What’s left to talk about, Ash?” Eiji states, still with his eyes to the ground, and his voice unrelenting without emotion, “You keep pulling me back in without making anything clear--”

“I want to make it clear now.”

“Why?” Eiji presses his back against the wall, feeling hostile within his own defensive emotions, “After all this time… why now?”

“We had a lot of fun together back then, didn’t we?”

“Huh?”

Ash finally manages to catch his gaze as Eiji looks up at him out of confusion. He’s met with that piercing stare of his, where his youthful face has matured into a man ungodly in looks, with deeper lines formed around his urgently desperate expression. Far from the previous soul who’d taken his time with slow-moving kisses. Now he appears as though he’s hanging on with every bit of strength to the close distance that’s between them now. The same kind of distance where Ash could bundle Eiji up in his arms right now if he wanted to.

Holding on to this feeling of desperation, Ash confesses, “The time we spent together those years ago… they were fun. For as long as you’ve been here, I’ve been trying to find a way to talk to you about it all again. But you never let the conversation carry on whenever I try. You shut it down and leave, or talk about work or something else. So I thought it wasn’t the right time. I wanted to wait until you were ready. I’ve been holding back. Waiting for you. I’ve been waiting for you, Eiji. But I… don’t think I can any more. I’m sorry.”

Colour evaporates from Eiji’s face. His entire expression pales. Eiji’s adamant to keep up his defences, but Ash’s words are penetrating.

“No… no, I don’t want to.” Eiji stammers, and his heart sinks. The overwhelming pressure forcefully pushes Eiji into complete and total denial. His defence mechanism traps him into a state of disbelief, and in a panic, shakes his head with a trembling voice, “I just… I don’t want to revisit that past. That was… it was all just misguided feelings of youth. I don’t think anything of it any more… I don’t...”

“Eiji, please,” Ash’s voice was nearly on the edge of begging, his voice barely as audible as the rain against the side-walk, “I was too immature to realise it then. From the beginning, I thought if I just acted tough and more mature than my actual age… and if I didn’t say anything at all, then maybe you wouldn’t end up leaving me.”

Eiji catches his breath…. it feels sharp in his throat. His heartbeat pounds in his chest. He brings a hand up to his face to hide his expression, which is shattering any façade of seeming like he’s altogether. But he’s not. Eiji’s far from together. He feels like he’s crumbling to pieces. With an uneven breath, he tries one more time,

“It’s all in the past… Ash, it’s just… we were young--”

“Back then, at the time… I held you in my arms thinking how great it would be… if you were mine.”

Eiji feels the world falling away around them then. Everything, from the sound of the rain, to the blare of the neon-indigo lights reflecting from the puddles along the stretch of the side-walk… everything around them vanishes into an irrelevant space. Eiji can only hear the thundering beat of his heart crashing against his chest, and the gentle touch of Ash’s shivering fingers as he carefully goes to hold Eiji’s arms in a limp grasp.

“I’m pathetic, Eiji. I took you home with me without ever once making things clear with you… because I was so afraid that you’d reject me. And ever since then, every day was hard without you. Do you realise how many times I looked back on my bike, seeing that empty back seat… and ended up remembering you? It was so hard to endure… with you not being there.”

“Ash…”

“Come upstairs with me.”

Eiji’s head snaps up. Now every ounce of him looks terrified. His composure is gone, and his defences are bulldozed through. Now, Eiji can see it. Those piercing eyes… they always kept Eiji in plain sight. Ash had always wanted him. Ash still wants him. Those once unreadable eyes that spelled out a gaze that Eiji could for the longest time never decipher… now Eiji can see exactly who is in his thoughts. He voices the question,

“Is that why you always left the door open?”

“I didn’t know how else to get it through to you. Didn’t I say that I’ve always been waiting for you? I’m not going to force you through that door, but I… Eiji, I can’t stay silent any more. I need you to know, because I never said anything before. And I always regretted that.”

“I… don’t know if I can. If I go upstairs, I’m just gonna be reminded of the memories from __that__  time. There’s… Ash, there’s no way.” Eiji lowers his eyes and holds his hands over his mouth as though in prayer, “You’ve got no idea how I felt… having to leave you... you don’t know how much it took to come back. I’ve been going in circles around you for such a long time. I didn’t know how you felt… what that open door meant… if you wanted me that one time only or if you had feelings for me, it’s just… there’s so much I didn’t… so much I don’t want to face…”

And then finally, Ash leans forward and gathers his arms around Eiji to hold him close against his body. With his face burying into Eiji’s long and messy hair, his hands curl possessively through the elastic bobble holding up Eiji’s short ponytail and pulls it away, until a wave of raven hair spills around the frame of his face, now flushing into a deep crimson. Ash asks one more time, sweetly and tenderly into his ear,

“Please. Eiji. Come upstairs. Don’t run away. Don’t leave me again.”

Eiji’s too weak to refuse him. He always has been. He always will be. Not when he’s laying bare his feelings like this. Almost immediately, Eiji is weakened to the point of falling limp in his arms. It’s as though his whole body has been claimed long ago by him, and all he had to do was just say the word and Eiji becomes completely his by command. For years it’s imprisoned him. But now, to know that the feeling may be reciprocated to an extent he hasn’t realised, Eiji has a taste of liberation. That despair of unrequited long-lasting love that’s kept his heart sealed for all this time is slowly breaking down.

He can feel it in the way that Ash is holding him then; by Ash’s hands bunched into fists in Eiji’s hair, splaying out every now and again to cradle the back of his head, then gently bringing Eiji’s face to the crook of Ash’s neck. Eiji feels it in the way Ash breathes out slow, like he finally feels calmer for having Eiji against him again. Even though the nerves and the anxieties are still there. He can feel Ash’s heartbeat racing against his own. Ash’s vice-like grip is desperate and pleading. Loving and tender. But there’s a line they still need to cross together, and it falls down on Eiji’s decision…

In absolute defeat and surrender, as slow as he can be… Eiji’s hands rest lightly over Ash’s arms, ever-so-slightly touching over his skin in a slim but silent consent. Ash takes it. From there, Ash takes a hold of Eiji’s wrist courtly and leads them to the front door of the store to unlock it again.

As they walk inside and weave through the aisles, Eiji’s eyes are constantly looking to the ground as he willingly allows Ash to pull him along. He appears like a scolded child being pulled along by a parent. Eiji almost feels ashamed by how easily he’s swayed by Ash, though he can’t deny the overbearing happiness that may make this all worth it… but he only allows this until they finally reach the back door on the far end of the store. That’s when the fear suddenly springs out of him, like a cornered animal faced with danger. Eiji halts immediately and pulls Ash back.

“Wait, wait! I don’t think I can do this, Ash… this is too sudden, I-I need time to think--”

“I love you, Eiji.”

“Wh… wha… what?”

“I love you. I wish I told you this before I held you that night. I loved you then and every day and every moment up to right now. I’ve lived in the regret of holding back everything I’ve wanted to say for too many years because I was afraid of losing you. I’m still afraid of losing you. I don’t want to lose you again. But if I do, and you decide that you don’t want me, I want to tell you everything this time… I’m in love with you, Eiji. I’ve been waking up alone in my bed for the past five years and the first thought of my day is you, wishing I’d have seen your body next to me. I think I need you with me.”

The entire time that Ash says this, Eiji had unknowingly allowed Ash to pull him through the door and up those unsteady stairs. Then he’s towed to the middle of Ash’s small apartment in complete shock, and in an absent-minded daze. Though he sees the room lit up by a small lamp on one side of the room, and the indigo neon blaring through the window panes. These little familiar details force Eiji to be thrown back into the memories of that one heated night…

And in the midst of a disarray of emotions, Eiji is given barely any time to process as Ash carefully holds him against the wall next to his bed. His breath is on his neck. His hands are holding on to his wrists. Ash can barely hold his sanity as he brings his lips a few inches away from Eiji’s mouth… hanging agape only slightly as Eiji processes moment by moment.

Until suddenly, Eiji holds his hands up and blocks Ash’s lips between them. Ash stares at him, just as intensely as before, but doesn’t move any further from there.

“Ash…”

“Do you love me, Eiji?”

“...please… mercy…”

“What’s holding you back, Eiji? I love you. I love you so much. I want to be your best friend, your lover, to be in your arms, inside the fortress in your head… I want to know where to touch you and know how to touch you. I want to see your smile again. What’s taking you away from me? Please, tell me…”

“I just…” Eiji bites his lips together, before stammering with a fully flushed face, “…I just need to find the right words to reply.”

“Take your time. I’ll just keep looking at you and holding you.”

Eiji feels a hot wash of blustering heat radiate over his face, “It’ll help me out if you give me a moment to… t-to really take in what you keep saying to me… it’s a lot for my heart to take…”

“Sorry. I’ve kept what I’ve wanted to say to you inside of me for a long time. Now it feels like I want to tell you as much as I can before you run out of this room. I love you, Eiji. Can I keep saying that to you while you think of your words?”

“I… I don’t know…”

“I love you, Eiji Okumura. I love you. I love you more than anything. I love you.”

“Ash… Ash…”

“I love you…”

Eiji’s hands lose strength to hold up any longer, as they slip away to let the precious words fall from Ash’s mouth and brush over Eiji’s lips. Those words come out as gentle whispers, until Ash is merely shaping them silently with his mouth, enticing Eiji into an intoxicated state where his eyes appears glazed over by a power that overwhelms him. It’s like the burst of a galaxy exploding in his chest where his heart once was, and spreads to overload all his senses, through every bloodstream, through every nerve-ending, until the whole matter of his body is literally made up of love for Ash.

It’s euphoria when Ash brings the shape of one more ‘I love you’ over Eiji’s mouth, and kisses him so softly and so lightly that Eiji feels shaken by how much this prelude of a kiss affects him. Eiji wonders if it’s because he felt an echo of a memory left behind on his body from the time Ash had held him on his bed. Eiji recalls how gentle he had been… without restraining him or chasing him… and he remembers how Ash kept his hands somewhat at a distance. He was respectful and well-meaning, though Eiji can admit now that Ash had definitely been holding back.

Now, as Ash lays one kiss after another, letting the pace of his kisses match up to the speed of his impatience, Eiji can tell Ash has changed from the man who once appeared aloof and reserved. But as dazed as Eiji feels at this moment, he locks eyes with Ash and he can see they have never changed despite how he’s grown and matured. Those emeralds make his gaze look just as strong and intense as before… the man who always rode ahead of everyone else, a well respected leader, a beautiful and cool figure of power and masculinity…

Eiji kisses him back, now just as eager as he can’t deny this unbelievable attraction to him. There’s a heat that lights up Eiji’s skin into sensitive heights as Ash roughly pulls Eiji’s hips against his. Sharp intakes of breath are heard briefly between each hurried kiss, until their tongues meet between them and their minds are completely clouded. Sharp shudders ring down their spines, especially as Ash brings his hands up from Eiji’s hips to slide underneath his shirt. He grazes his fingertips over the shape of his form, making Eiji feel dizzy in immediate response.

It worsens as Ash breaks away their connecting tongues, and kisses along Eiji’s jawline towards the direction of his ear. A breath hitches in Eiji’s throat. He braces himself for the onslaught of sensations overriding his melting form as he feels Ash’s mouth shape over the hollow of his ear, drawing a line with his tongue before trapping Eiji’s ear between his teeth. Eiji shapes an oval with his mouth and closes his eyes. Ash is so relentless now. He’s so much more bold from before. His deep and invasive kisses are fuelled by a ruthless desire to have him, to taste him, to make it so Eiji’s body would want no one else but him. Eiji complies, very willingly. He cups the shape of Ash’s face beneath his palms, learning the sharp edges of his jawline speckled with a handsome stubble, and combs his fingers back through the locks of Ash’s hair to tangle himself in. Then Eiji pulls Ash’s face to his and enters his mouth again. Wanting him just as much.

They breathe the same breath. Their rapid heartbeats pulsate the same increased speed. Their motions grow quicker and quicker as they’re swept along by the intensely heated atmosphere cultivating around them. Their minds spiral into incoherent thoughts, comprehending nothing but these kisses… feeling every bit amazing as they used to feel. Ash pushes forward with a force that makes Eiji buckle his knees, and he’s gripping on tight around Ash’s neck to keep their mouths connected. But Ash is passionately expressing every motion of suppressed desire through every kiss, every touch… Eiji can’t find the right words to describe the feeling… he just feels the liquid movements of Ash’s tongue claiming his mouth… and Ash can’t get enough of how soft and warm Eiji feels…

‘Ash… Ash… Ash…’

‘Eiji… Eiji…’

When they reluctantly break apart, a trail of saliva connects the tip of their tongues, until it begrudgingly snaps and separates them. Ash stares down at Eiji fiercely. Eiji’s eyes are as heavy as his breathing. His skin is glowing with heat and sweat, and his full lips are wet and parted… looking achingly like they want more. Their bodies are trembling together, hesitating from the shock of an awakened libido, feeling it most in a swollen heaviness between their legs. Unable to take it any more, Ash bundles a fistful of Eiji’s shirt and pulls him closer,

“Can I… can we be together tonight?” Ash asks pleadingly, then leans his forehead against Eiji’s, and begs, “Can you promise me… you won’t leave my bed in the morning?”

Eiji feels like he can barely breathe. Their longing for each other is so apparent now as they hold each other with strength like glue. Eiji is in mid-trance, locked in by the pleading tone of Ash’s voice and his shaky hands. Eiji knows for sure now… he wasn’t the only one who suffered all this time. He can see it… he can feel it…

Ash loves him. Eiji realises that now. Ash loves him… Ash has always loved him.

“Oh God…” Eiji shudders the words, and his eyes become watery, “What was the point of all my effort until now… trying to be normal around you? How stupid was I to think… we’d just have a normal employee-boss relationship… all I wanted was to be close to you. That’s all I wanted…”

“Eiji. I knew there was a reason you came here after I called you. After all that time apart, you suddenly shown up and took the job I offered. I thought you might have… some kind of feelings for me if you were able to do that. There’s nothing normal between us… there never has been. You’ve kept me waiting this long. Please tell me you feel the same as I do… or, at least, show me…”

They sink together to the bed then.

Ash hastily connects their mouths again, all while they shift to the centre of the bed with Eiji lying beneath him and Ash sitting over his crotch. Hurriedly, he takes the hem of Eiji’s shirt and lifts it above his head, and smooths his hands over Eiji’s body to come to kiss his bare chest. Eiji’s face flushes a deep crimson as he desperately tries to suppress the moan leaking from his lips. Ash’s gaze becomes vacant as he’s focusing on licking and shaping his tongue around his nipples, sensitive now as they perk in his mouth, while his fingers graze over his flushed skin. His impatient fingers reveal how truly fired up he is, showing exactly how long he’s been holding in this desire for the longest time.

Eiji can’t deny that he’s been thinking about this just as much as well. Though he had once thought about it like reoccurring nightmares, he woke to feel him yearning for that dream again in despair and desperation. It was a conflicting feeling that sprang from heartbreak; the trauma of having to repair from the moment he truly felt alive… from the time he loved Ash with everything he had. And now he’s back to that moment again, only this time… without all the fear and the insecurities of an uncertain future. Now Eiji knows Ash loves him. Now every vain attempt to bury his feelings have become pointless… and at last, liberating.

The air is charging with intense heat, sizzling with an excitement that takes Eiji hostage, and something seems to snap within him as he arches his back and digs his fingers into the mattress. From there, it’s just him and Ash… and the uncontrollable attraction that has rooted and grown over the years. He buries a hand into Ash’s wild mess of hair then, and pushes him closer to his body. Ash obliges by venturing towards more of his exposed and untouched skin, further and further along his torso. And Eiji gasps, stifling an incredibly deep-throated moan as he feels Ash’s mouth brushing towards an increasingly sensitive part of his skin, just over his stomach and further downwards.

Ash presses the curve of his mouth over the protruding hipbone just over the edge of Eiji’s pants, and Ash works to undo Eiji’s belt as he captures this part of him between his teeth. He hears a soft sigh escape Eiji’s lips at the feeling. Then, without mercy, Ash rolls down Eiji’s pants and boxers, parts his teeth over his flesh and runs his tongue above Eiji’s exposed erection. Eiji shudders horrendously from the embarrassment, especially as Ash has managed to unclothe him before himself. But there’s a crackling array of pleasant shivers setting his skin on fire as Ash’s mouth works to make him feel as sensitive and responsive as possible, making him forget his surroundings and even his name, as Ash kisses and sucks on Eiji’s skin before claiming his tongue around Eiji’s cock.

In that instant, a sharp moan bursts from Eiji’s throat, and his eyes roll back as his vision blurs entirely. He’s far gone into a realm of latent desire. Until he’s suddenly self-conscious of how audible he sounds, which he isn’t used to experiencing. Ash senses this when Eiji suddenly clams up and stiffens beneath him, so Ash gently places his digits up to Eiji’s mouth and slips them past Eiji’s lips. His voice is only slightly muffled, but it comforts Eiji a lot… then his breathing hollows as Ash deeply kisses the length of Eiji’s cock, sucking in slow and deliberate intervals. A tight and curling sensation ignites deep within Eiji’s abdomen, and he recognises that he’s close to coming already.

“Wait, wait… Ash, you get undressed too.”

Ash peers up at him. His green-coloured eyes look so vacant, as though pleasuring Eiji transported him to an otherworldly height. He pushes himself up to his knees and throws his shirt off his body, and stands up to remove his pants. Eiji feels a shot of blood pumping to his cock at the sight of Ash pulling his boxers down his legs, revealing the full naked length of him. Eiji looks at Ash like he’s the most beautiful man in the world, with his figure like that of Adonis, and his built muscles far more developed than what he once had. Eiji fought the urge to open his arms in a quiet plea for Ash to return to him. But instead, he watches Ash dig through his set of drawers, and pull out a bottle.

Eiji breathes when he realises, “You… you have lube?”

“I was always a little hopeful…” Ash admits sheepishly, “I couldn’t use hand cream again… just the thought of buying it made me too uneasy.”

Almost immediately, Ash climbs back on to the bed and presses a swift set of kisses on Eiji’s mouth, before pouring the contents of the bottle between them. Ash positions his cock right over Eiji’s hard dick and holds up Eiji’s thighs before he starts rubbing. There’s a blinding sensation that draws out a low-sounding moan from the both of them then.

“Y-You didn’t use it… f-for anyone else?” Eiji asks before he could stop himself.

“There’s never been anyone else. I told you, all this time I’ve been waiting for you. Even before I called you. It’s always been you, Eiji. Always…”

Ash’s voice trails away as wild endorphins erupt like firecrackers from his centre all the way to his fingertips. He starts off slow at first, as his hips rock and sway over Eiji in a way that feels agonising and satisfying. But nothing about this feels odd or unpleasant. Ash and Eiji feel it between them - there’s always been an overwhelming desire to connect to each other in every physical sense. Ash concentrates with his hands falling to their cocks and aids in pressing them both together, then rubbing them between his palms. An elongated moan bubbles from Eiji’s throat. He grabs a fistful of the pillow next to him and pulls it up to his face, resisting the urge to bite down on it but his moans take up space in his mouth.

Suddenly, a red hot surge of blood from Eiji’s abdomen fires towards his cock, and he fiercely calls out in response. Ash has hit a bundle of sensitive nerves over the head of his dick, which claim all his attention. Ash pumps his hands quicker and quicker and bucks his hips against him, the lewd feeling of his balls clapping against Eiji increases in ferocious speeds, and it’s messy and embarrassing and exciting and intense until Ash finally calls out,

“Eiji, I’m…”

“Y-Yeah, me too!”

Eiji almost stiffens in shock as he lets out a loud and garbled moan, and he shudders beneath Ash in absolute ethereal pleasure. Shots of cum rush out of his dick and all he can see is white and all he can feel is electrifying ecstasy. It’s almost too much to take in at once. He calls out Ash’s name and Ash only moves faster. He’s almost there, and Eiji isn’t finished. The sight of Eiji’s expression twisted in beautiful euphoria prompts him to move faster until Eiji is shaking hard. On the edge of insanity, he feels completely devoured by Ash’s eyes as he doubles forward with his face now only inches away.

And the feeling that follows… the feeling of connecting eyes with the person he loves the most, bringing him to a height of extreme pleasure, knowing that only Ash could do this and always will do this… owning him and claiming him and eating him and invading him… Eiji can only describe this moment as truly becoming one with this person. The love he feels. The pleasure he experiences. The desire he fulfils. Ash is, in every sense, his other half. Eiji feels whole with him.

And the look in Ash’s eyes says that he’s feeling exactly the same. They’re no longer two people in this mortal world. Every touch, every feeling, every emotion is brought together in one intermingling form of the purest love. It doesn’t matter that they’re both the same gender. It doesn’t matter that they’d been apart for five years. What they feel right now is love. That’s all that matters, and all that will ever matter.

Ash kisses Eiji’s lips to tip them both over the edge. Ash’s hands grips them both together as they’re stimulated enough, with his thumb cascading one more time over a bout of nerves at the tip of their cocks, and a staggering shock runs deep inside their core.

“Ash! Ah, I… I love…”

“I love you, Eiji…”

Their minds blank. Neither of them withhold it any longer. A sudden burst of ecstasy overwhelms their senses and a liquid warmth wraps around their bodies as a paradise claims them. Ash watches Eiji intently as he gives in completely to the intense climax sending him to another world, which he follows him into. And even then, Ash doesn’t stop tasting him as he prolongs the orgasm for as long as it takes. Eiji throws his arms around Ash’s back and digs his fingers across Ash’s shoulders. They feel all their muscles unhinging as they cum together. Tears threaten to escape Eiji’s eyes. His back arches against Ash involuntarily, as though he doesn’t wish to part from this.

And reluctantly, their high begins to wear away. Their blurred visions clear at last. Eiji unfurls his claws from around Ash’s neck, though he hangs on to Ash’s shoulders in a tender grip. He feels remnants of perspiration running over his flushed skin, and though he’s a little shaken from the comedown, Eiji lets out a quiet murmur,

“I didn’t know… it could ever feel like this. What was I feeling before this? I don’t even remember, my head’s just… not caught up to anything yet…”

Once Ash catches his breath, he stretches to grab some tissues from his bedside, and wipes his hands before cleaning them both up. He’s surprisingly bashful about this part as he pauses to wipe away the cum from their stomachs and the lube from their cocks. Though he’s incredibly gentle when doing so, as though he’s taking conscious care to cherish Eiji in small ways like this. Eiji can see the speckles of crimson flourishing over Ash’s face, and it’s not a sight he’s very accustomed to. But it’s lovely. Eiji loves every side that Ash has gradually shown. That’s Eiji’s way of cherishing him.

When Ash finishes, Eiji promptly grabs the blankets from under them and takes hold of Ash’s shoulders. Then he pulls them both underneath it, and eagerly wraps his arms around Ash’s torso with his legs tucking between his. He leans forward with his forehead close enough to touch against Ash’s, but instead, gently caresses his fingers over Ash’s face, grazing over his flushed skin as he takes a better look at Ash’s rare bashful expression. As much as he’s matured in the past few years, Ash now looks a bit like a little boy with his eyebrows upturned and a daze of absolute wonderment in his shimmering eyes.

Ash looks as though he’s in disbelief. Eiji wonders if he’s questioning whether or not this is really happening, and Eiji understands the feeling. It wasn’t too long ago that they were both yearning for each other, held back by nerves and anxieties of what might become of them. But now they’re in each other’s arms. Looking into each other’s eyes like there is nothing else in the world that matters.

Ash slowly runs his hand up and down Eiji’s side, grazing his skin with the tips of his fingers, and nuzzles closer to quietly speak, “Hey Eiji… can I ask you something?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“...why did you leave me back then?” Ash finally asks. He hovers his hands over Eiji’s hips to bring him forward, possessively holding on to him while he murmurs, “Didn’t you like me?”

Eiji is silent then. He thinks of the right words to say as he shifts against him.

“...I was scared.”

Ash strokes his back. “What were you afraid of? The gang? Me?”

“It was everything, Ash.” Eiji admits, though his voice sounds soft, it comes out clear… clearer than ever before, “I didn’t know what else to do. Everything was a first for me. It scared me too much. I knew if I stayed, I’d have just caused trouble for you. The gang wouldn’t have accepted me and they’d have done worse things to us than what Lao and Yut-Lung did. Even so, I wanted to stay with you… I really did… but then… I would’ve had to watch you give out rides on your back seat to other people… and the girls… I saw the way the girls wanted you as they were riding your bike… it hurt me a lot. And I hated the fact that I kept thinking this way, over and over again… the jealousy was unbearable. So in the end, it came down to thinking about how you might’ve reacted if… if I told you that I liked you. The thought scared me so much. So I ran away.”

“Really? God, the both of us are just ridiculous...” Ash says, and finally smiles at that point, “…to think that we both pulled away and said nothing for the same reason.”

Eiji stares at his beautiful smile. Completely enamored.

Then Ash brings his hand up to comb through Eiji’s long hair, “So you did want me.”

“...of course I did.”

Ash looks satisfied then. And he closes his eyes as his shoulders fell, then breathes out a long and heavy sigh that carried the weight of years of uncertainty locked away in his heart.

“Can I ask you something now?” Eiji voices.

“Hm?”

“What happened to your bike? When I came to work here, I always wondered…”

“Had to sell it. The shop needed remodelling, so I sold the bike to fund it.” Ash’s eyes wander over to the window by the bed and his voice sounds far away, “I’ve been thinking of buying a new one anyway.”

“Huh? You were?”

“Yes. You want to know why?”

“Why?”

Ash’s eyes quickly flicker to the drawers at the bottom of the bed. Then he grins his handsome smile.

“You still haven’t used that helmet I got you. It’s still sitting in there, after all these years.”

Eiji’s eyes widen as far as they can go. His eyes shimmer… completely on the verge of tearing up. Then he lowers his head, suddenly feeling an overwhelming wash of total embarrassment seize the whole of his body, and his voice trembles,

“Are you serious?”

“Real serious.” Ash is still smiling as he brings his arms up to wrap around Eiji’s shoulders, and embraces him so lovingly that nearly squeezes Eiji’s heart out of his throat. He can hear their heartbeats crashing against one another and it’s a beautiful feeling. Ash even lets out a low-sounding laugh as he asks, “So do you still want me now?”

“I love you.”

Ash stiffens. Then he breaks away to look squarely in Eiji’s eyes. Ash wasn’t sure if he was just hearing things. But as soon as they lock eyes, Ash feels his soul light up in flames as he finally gets to see Eiji smile. That same damn smile from all those years ago. His smile, and his tears.

Ash buries himself into the crook of Eiji’s neck, comforting them both with thoughts that they’re finally together at last, and that they belong together.

“Are you serious?” Ash asks, choking on emotions.

Eiji replies, heart on his tongue, “Real serious.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading To Nirvana! There is an epilogue on the way, so stick around for one last chapter! If you liked this story, please leave a kudos or a comment! I love reading them all~


	9. Epilogue

“And… here it is, Ash. My Harley-Davidson bike is yours to take. It’s an old model but I fixed it up for you, and modded it too. Should ride smooth as butter.” Shorter calls out to him, wiping the oil from his fingers with a dusty rag.

Ash and Eiji hang outside Shorter’s workplace; an auto-repair shop and garage. Ash has his hands in his jean pockets, his half-lidded eyes lowered to the bike at his feet, with a wide grin giving away the excitement he tries to conceal. Meanwhile Eiji looks very visibly enraptured by the bike without holding anything back. The size of it, the complexity of it, the beauty of it… Eiji’s eyes sparkle as he steps around it enthusiastically, taking in every inch of its polished features with his new photographer’s eyes.

“I wish I had my camera…”

“I’m glad you appreciate my hard work, Eiji.” Shorter laughs. He searches in his pocket then and tosses the keys to Ash, “Now go enjoy yourselves. I gotta get back to work. Got a bunch more bikes to work on. I just had to be the one to pass over the keys, y’know? Had to do that much for my old friends at least.”

Shorter grins as he passes Eiji a meaningful smile, but his gaze lingers especially longer on to Ash. As they’ve been close friends for the longest time, there’s a much deeper layer beneath their exchanged glances that truly outlines the lengthy years of their friendship. In a way that many words could be said without ever saying them out loud.

Eventually Ash’s expression relaxes, and he smiles gratefully. “Thanks Shorter. Seriously. For… everything.”

“It’s nothing, really. I’m just glad you guys finally, well…” Shorter’s voice trails off.

Ash raises an eyebrow, guessing correctly what Shorter is about to say, while Eiji simply queries, “Finally what?”

“...it’s nothing. Just keep in touch, alright? And if you have any problems with that bike, you know who to call.”

“We will.” Ash assures him. And they wave to him as Shorter parts ways to disappear inside his shop.

Ash and Eiji are left to themselves then as Ash kicks off the brake of his bike, and he walks with it by his side as they head down the quieter side streets of New York. The afternoon sun is only just peeking through the pearly clouds in the sky, and leaking through the budding leaves on the few grown trees down an empty commerce street. The connected apartments and slim buildings that line up every which side are seemingly devoid of life, and the yellow leaves that have broken off their branches look completely untouched by life as they lay out like pretty carpets beneath their feet. Ash and Eiji walk side by side, feeling as though they’re the only ones in this gigantic city. Eiji pauses, with his eyes to the skies.

Ash stops just a little ahead when he finally notices. “Eiji?”

“Oh... sorry. I’m just…”

His voice is taken to the gentle wind. His gaze is lost to the distance, and his whole being is taken by an enveloping bout of happiness rising in his heart; it’s like being embraced by a homely warmth. It’s only when Eiji wanders his eyes back to Ash that he stumbles back to consciousness, as though he came crashing back down to Earth.

Ash smirks at him, “Do you do this a lot?”

“I haven’t for a while.” Eiji says sheepishly, and walks to the opposite side of the bike with his fingers trailing along the seat, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to have a moment to stop and really take in the city…”

“I thought you’d have lived here long enough to get used to this place by now.”

“I have. But lately, I… well, how do I explain…” Eiji places a finger to his chin as he voices his loose thoughts, “It’s like… for a while, everything around me was becoming too familiar to the feeling I had back in Japan. Like I was paralysed in a kind of… stagnated place I couldn’t get out from. I think I lost my excitement for this place for a short time. I used to walk around New York with everything in my sight like it lit life to my soul… um, my English didn’t sound right just then. Did that sound strange to you?”

“No.” Ash murmurs, lowering his lids, “When it comes down to it, you’re telling me your experience as a foreigner in a different culture. I couldn’t ever understand what that’s like without experiencing it myself, so… it’s not strange. It’s unique to you. It’s something only you can tell me to help me understand you.”

“Oh. When you put it like that…” Eiji flushes a little, “…d-do you understand why it feels like I’ve regained a little excitement back?”

Ash squares his attractive gaze right back at Eiji, and smiles handsomely, “Why don’t you tell me?”

“You’re a sharp guy, Ash, you know why…”

“Is it the same reason as mine?” Ash asks, and leans forward across his bike so that his face is levelled with Eiji’s, who bounces his gaze at every other direction in a fluster.

“What d’you mean--”

“In all my twenty-three years of life, I’ve never been as happy as I am right now. Right at this moment.” Ash admits tenderly, “Because I have you.”

Eiji erupts in a blush. His eyes shudder as he braves to meet Ash’s gentle gaze.

“I… um, I feel the same--”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Ash! W-We’re outside…”

“No one’s here. And we’re in New York. No one’s going to care.”

“...Americans are so bold.”

“Cute Japanese boys are so shy.”

Ash’s nose is already crossing over Eiji’s as he playfully says this, and the last word is caught between their lips as they come together in a kiss. Ash takes his arms and folds them around Eiji’s body, bringing him as close as he can to him with the bike between them like an unseeable obstacle. Ash lingers his lips there, finding it difficult to break away as though he can’t bear another moment away from him. Ending a kiss feels almost like a broken promise.

Ash realises he could spend hours just kissing Eiji. Maybe even days. He could eat his breath and swallow his tongue. In the moment, Ash could make sense of it in his warped sense of reality where love completely reigns and reason is thrown to the wayside. Loving Eiji makes him stupid. Loving Eiji makes him deliriously happy.

Then as Ash goes to take hold of Eiji’s hand, he’s forgotten that something lays in the grip of his fingers.

Ash pulls apart slightly, though his arms remain clamped around Eiji’s waist, and his eyes lower to Eiji’s hands.

“Hey… are you sure you want to wear that helmet?”

Eiji, who had been caught in a vacant gaze from their shared kiss, takes a second to register Ash’s query as he lifts the helmet he’s held on to all this time.

“But it’s the one you bought for me five years ago. No one’s worn it yet…”

“It looks pretty worn out, though. See, the outer shell is discoloured… do you want to go back to Shorter’s and get a new one?”

“It’s fine.” Eiji immediately dismisses the idea. “This helmet… is more than enough.”

Ash watches as Eiji tenderly traces his thumbs over the rim of the helmet. The way he affectionately treats it is like he truly treasures it, even to the point where his eyes have softened and a small distinguishable smile lights up Eiji’s face, with the faintest tinge of a blush painting over his face. It completely gives away how much this helmet means to him.

Ash feels a tug at his heartstrings. That helmet… he kept it in his room all these years… all this time. Every now and again he’d find it in his drawers, completely untouched. But never did he have the heart to throw it away. The sentimentality of it had too much of a control on him. Eiji existed so much in his bedroom… days, weeks, months, years after he last stepped foot in it. From the shadows on the walls to the crumble of his bedsheets… all of it lead to some trace of Eiji’s ghostly presence he’d inadvertently left behind. That helmet was the symbol of a promise Ash wanted to keep… for a future he hoped they’d share… and all this time, he wasn’t willing to let go of that vision he’d held on to for the years that followed.

And so in this moment… where Eiji is standing there before him, lovingly holding on to that helmet and accepting all that it means and symbolises… Ash can’t find the words. No words exist for how he feels. Maybe gratefulness. Even a bit of anxiety. But this new wave of emotions seems to stem above and beyond his own understanding of this love.

Ash lays a gentle hand against Eiji’s cheek, shaping the cup of his palm to the adorable heart shape of Eiji’s face, and actually attempts to explain these feelings,

“Ever since you’ve told me that you love me, I thought I wasn’t going to be the same person. I thought loving you and being loved by you was such an inconceivable phenomenon that I was sure it would change me… but I wake up every morning exactly the same. And I realise I’ve loved you for so long already. It’s part of me now, Eiji. You’re who I am now. You shape me. You did when we met. You will for the rest of my life.”

“Ash…”

“Ride with me again?”

Ash quickly takes the helmet from Eiji’s hands and carefully places it over Eiji’s head. While gripping the straps and pulling it under his chin for him, Eiji feels a familiar fire ignite in his chest.

“I get to ride on your back seat again?”

“Yes, as long as you hold me tight.”

Eiji lowers his head as he adjusts his helmet with both hands, all while his face is lit up as crimson as it can go. “I can’t believe how unreserved you are when you say these things…”

“Don’t you like it?”

“No, I… I like it.” Eiji stammers, then his voice croaks, “I like you… no, I love you.”

“Then let’s ride.”

“Where to?”

“Back to my place. It’s unfair you get to hold on to me. Let me hold you when we get home.”

“...then let’s take the long route.”

Ash laughs, “What’re you trying to say?”

“I need a long time to get my fill of holding you first.”

Ash’s eyes widen for a moment. Eiji only stares back at him, completely serious in his statement. Then Ash lets out a hefty breath like a sigh, but the kind that shudders when you choke on emotion in your throat. He swings his leg over the front seat and grips on to the handlebars. Then with a quick glance, invites Eiji to join him.

It almost takes Eiji a few seconds before finally deciding to do this. His hesitance comes from years of having previous back seat riding experiences haunt his dreams, like a reoccurring trauma from the past. But at least this time, he’s able to face it like an treasured memory. It always was, Eiji admits, but these memories weren’t regarded in such a positive way. Though they were treasured, there was a certain level of denial that disallowed Eiji to ever enjoy them. Now he can. Now he can look back and think of his time attached to Ash’s back with a tender fondness. Now he can rewrite those memories with fresher ones. Starting right now.

As Eiji steps over the back of the bike, he shuffles comfortably on the seat before readying his arms to wrap around Ash’s torso. He’s a lot bigger compared to how he used to be. They both are. Surprisingly, it drives home the fact that they are both grown men, which has oddly enough never occurred to bother them. Minor details. Their sexuality crisis came as a quiet acceptance they barely fought against. When something feels as right as this, with Eiji’s hands affectionately clasping around Ash’s waist, and his head laying softly into the small on Ash’s neck, there left little room to question it all. Eiji loves him. Eiji loves that Ash loves him too. Trial over.

And every time Eiji has the chance to hold him, Eiji hopes that these are the moments when he really gives Ash his everything. Loving someone, he’s found, prompts the sole desire to give his entire being over to the other person. Eiji wants all the words he’s stored up in his heart to translate through the touch of his embrace. English nor Japanese can ever carry the weight of Eiji’s everything over to Ash. Nothing amounts to feeling of clinging on to his back, to press the flight of his heartbeat like a jackhammer digging into Ash’s body. Ash can feel it pounding, like an excited drum in sync with his own.

Immediately, Ash fires up the engine and steadily drives off the curb. Suddenly they’re moving. Not as fast as Ash used to go, but that’s understandable as it’s been a while since he last drove a bike. But they go at a speed that Ash can handle. Gradually it grows faster and faster. Ash is getting used to the controls again. He shows it in his movements that his body hasn’t forgotten how to do this. Though he stutters a few times in turning corners, he rides just how he used to. And Eiji feels the experience of it all returning.

The storm of a wind hits against him and Eiji’s stomach lurches. The sight of the city racing past them before they could register seeing them… the street lamps, the road signs, the skyscrapers… all of them fly past the moment Eiji looks at them. The adrenaline from the very first time they rode together has recreated itself in this very moment. The excitement, the exhilaration, the pure thrill of it… Eiji’s blood run like electric through his trembling body. His fingers claw into the material of Ash’s clothes, and he clings to him like never before.

Ash feels it too. His body is trembling just the same. Again, the intense sensations from the very first time is felt just as strongly as it did before. To have Eiji wrapped around him, holding him as tight as he can… it’s too much for words. It’s like they’ve ridden into a world where only they existed. Where only they matter. Like flying through space, they enter a universe of empty roads to where they can ride to where ever they want, just the two of them. A void that’s meaningless as long as they’re together in this moment.

Maybe that’s nirvana. Not the destination, but the ride itself. Living for the moment, loving the person in the midst of this chaotic life. Nirvana, for them, is this world that love has influenced. It’s a world they’ve made where every single possibility exists, because love creates the illusions of a paradise where only they live.

Ash squares his shoulders. Eiji nuzzles closer. Their heartbeats melt together from Eiji’s chest to Ash’s back.

They won’t make it home until sundown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading 'To Nirvana' all the way to the end! I really appreciate the time you took to come read this fairly lengthy work, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing it. Please leave a kudos or a comment to let me know if you did!
> 
> I have ideas for more stories for Banana Fish, though I'll be working a lot at my job, I'll try my best to make regular updates. I hope you'll like them! Thank you again!! Much love, always!


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